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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24508042">watching cityscapes turn to dust</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/badgirlwolfie/pseuds/badgirlwolfie'>badgirlwolfie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>kiss like real people do [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (France)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Stupid Boys being Stupid, and by slow burn i mean it takes them an embarrasing time to kiss, it's about having sex and being sad, that's it that's the fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:47:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,136</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24508042</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/badgirlwolfie/pseuds/badgirlwolfie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>(on hiatus) </p><p>"Why don't you say my name anymore?"</p><p>"I do. Not often, but I do."</p><p>"But why?"</p><p>"Because i'm afraid that once I start saying it, I will never stop."</p><p>There's silence. And then-</p><p>"Would that be so bad?"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>kiss like real people do [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1770883</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>171</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Italy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hiii hiii. welcome to the - before - part of kiss like real people do. i hope you'll stick by! i'm very excited about this one.</p><p>enjoy, and stay safe everyone! much love.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Before</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Somewhere in Italy, August 2018</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Damn.” Yann lets out a low whistle to his right. </p><p>And damn, indeed. Lucas has seen recording studios in his life; not many, admittedly, one when he visited San Francisco when he was 16, and the ones him and the guys have used in the past to record their last two albums, but he’s sure they usually don’t look like <em> this </em>. Like a very expensive, very unaffordable beach house.</p><p>“<em>This </em> is where we’re staying?” </p><p>“This is where we’re staying.”</p><p>Lucas grips his suitcase tighter, eyes roaming across the red brick walls and rustic columns before they settle on the elegant picnic table tucked in a corner. What even the fuck is Italy, really. He feels Eliott’s restlessness behind him without having to turn around, and it’s weirdly endearing, how tall, dark and handsome Eliott Demaury is so intimidated by all this. </p><p>“What the fuck is my life,” Eliott mumbles. “What the <em> fuck </em> is my life.”</p><p>Lucas snorts before turning to look at him. He sees Eliott’s wild eyes staring back at him, hands on the straps of the guitar on his back and duffle bag by his feet, his hair a mess from brushing his hands through it on the way here. And god, if the Italian sun doesn’t look good on him, on his golden skin and filtering through his chestnut hair, and Lucas has no clue how he’s supposed to survive this. He doesn’t.</p><p>“You good over there?” He asks him, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Eliott waves him off. The look of disbelief in his eyes betrays him. “I just- <em> this </em>is where the people with more than a fiver in their back pocket record their music?”</p><p>“You’d have to ask those people.” Eliott gives him a look and gestures around them. Lucas huffs out a laugh. “No, I don’t know. This is a first time for me too, I’m just as impressed. But they say it’s easy to get used to the good things in life, right?” He shrugs before picking back his suitcase. “Well, you coming?”</p><p>“I’m coming.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>When the alarm in his phone wakes him up, it’s barely light out and the sheets are cold and tangled around his bare legs. Lucas buries his face on the pillow, groaning, before rolling on his back and sitting down in bed. This part he hates, the whole having to wake up at dawn and not murder anyone on his way to his second cup of coffee thing, and he sighs once more before standing up on tired legs. </p><p>He throws on a pair of old sweatpants and a black hoodie, pulling the hood over his head. Then, with his phone on one hand and his favorite pair of drumsticks tucked in the elastic band of his sweatpants, he leaves the room in search for the kitchen.</p><p>“Morning.” A voice behind him startles him, making him almost drop the packet of instant coffee on the kitchen counter.</p><p>He turns around, a gasp hanging from his lips when he finds Eliott’s lean figure sitting on top of the kitchen table. He eyes the cup of coffee Eliott is quietly stirring between his hands, and wonders if he’s the reason why there’s not enough milk for another whole mug. As beautiful as this place is, it seriously lacks in the food department. </p><p>“Oh, hey.” </p><p>“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” Eliott says with a frown. He fiddles with the cup between his hands, avoiding Lucas’ gaze. “The guys are already waiting on room 2. They want to start with a full rehearsal first.”</p><p>Lucas places the mug on the counter before walking over to Eliott. “Hey,” he says. “Hey, are you okay?”</p><p>Eliott shrugs. </p><p>It pinches his heart, the sight before him. </p><p>Everything is dimmed out; the washed out white walls, the grey curtains, furniture all made with wood and the morning sun not quite out yet, only a trail of cold light coming through the tall windows. Eliott sitting in the middle of everything, and Lucas is so used to seeing him light up the whole room, that the hunch of his shoulders and anxious look in his eyes overwhelm him. Eliott looks small right now, despite having a head on Lucas, almost like he blends in with the sadness in the room, and Lucas hates it. </p><p>“Having second thoughts?” Lucas asks jokingly, but he thinks the worry bleeds through his voice anyway.</p><p>Eliott’s eyes widen marginally at that.</p><p>“No! No, that’s not it. It’s not. I’m just, fuck,” Eliott lowers the mug on the table next to his hip. He gives a sigh before hiding his face between his hands. “I’m just so fucking scared, Lucas.” His voice sounds muffled, nothing but a whisper between his fingers, but Lucas hears it perfectly. The hitch between words. The tremor in his lips. “I’m so scared.”</p><p>"Eliott, what?" Lucas raises a tentative hand and rests it on Eliott’s shoulder, unsure of what to do. “What are you talking about?”</p><p>“This…” Eliott starts, rubbing his face before uncovering his face. It’s all red now, his grey eyes all glassy. “This whole thing. I’m so scared. And I feel so guilty, all the time. I’m scared I will look like I’m trying to steal Arthur’s place, and then everyone will hate me. Your fans. You. <em> Arthur</em>.”</p><p>And Lucas is unsure of everything, except of the fact that Eliott is breaking his heart. </p><p>“Fuck, Eliott-”</p><p>“And I like you guys so much. I went to the try-outs because I told myself I had nothing to lose, that if anything, I would get to play in front of professionals for the first time in my life. But suddenly you were saying you were keeping me and next thing I know is I’m here.” Eliott shrugs helplessly. “It’s easy to get used to the good things in life, you said, and I’m so scared to get used to this.”</p><p>“Fucking hell, Eliott. I want you to listen clearly. Look at me.” He squeezes Eliott’s shoulder, catching his attention. Eliott looks at him through teary eyes, and Lucas has to bite the inside of his cheek to avoid reaching forward and catching the salty drops with his thumb. “We like you too. You’re one of us now, I want you to understand that. I <em> need </em> you to understand that. After Arthur’s accident everything felt so hopeless. Arthur didn’t leave his bed in a week. I thought it would end him. That it would end us.” He takes a deep breath. “But it didn’t. I was scared, too, of the possibility of someone else taking Arthur’s place, at the beginning. But now you’re here, and nothing has ever felt this right. We won’t hate you. Arthur won’t hate you. In fact, I’ve heard he’s over the moon with you. We all are, actually. You didn’t hear this from me, but… I think he has a crush on you.” He bites back the, <em> I know I do. </em></p><p>Eliott lets out a wet laugh and punches him in the shoulder. “Shut up, idiot.”</p><p>Lucas stumbles back for effect with a breathless <em> oof </em>before stepping closer. He gives Eliott a small grin, tentative fingers drumming against his knees and pressing down on the bone. “But I’m serious. We love you here. You’re one of us now, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”</p><p>He presses once more on Eliott’s knees, the material soft and comfortable under his fingertips. He pulls back then, and Eliott shoots him a small, grateful smile.</p><p>“Lucas-”</p><p>Lucas shakes his head with a warm smile of his own. “Don’t mention it.”</p><p>Eliott tilts his head to one side with a frown on his face, and before Lucas can ask what’s wrong, there’s arms around his waist and a warm cheek pressed to the top of his head. Lucas freezes for a moment before looping his own arms around Eliott’s back. “No, Lucas, but I will.” Eliott whispers. “I will. Thank you.”</p><p>Lucas smiles a little in return, saying nothing. He nods against Eliott’s chest, because he heard him. He did. But no more words are needed. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Okay guys, from the beginning now. Eliott, can you turn your amp a little higher?”</p><p>Eliott bends hesitant to adjust the volume control and strums out a G chord.</p><p>“Now <em> that’s </em>what I’m talking about!”</p><p>Lucas ducks his head behind the drum set, smile half-hidden by a cymbal as he watches Eliott’s cheeks turn a faint shade of pink. It’s so unfair, how Eliott feels so insecure under all that determination shining inside his eyes. Lucas wishes he would trust himself a little more. </p><p>“Okay. On 3, 2, 1-”</p><p>And the room explodes in a wave of sounds and one hundred notes playing at the same time. The low hum of the bass pairs with two guitars, Lucas carrying the rhythm with the drums. He loses himself to it, eyes closed, his hands moving automatically to the beat of the song coming from his headphones. This is his favorite part; his own personal haven. Music.</p><p>He’s already panting. There’s sweat forming at  his hairline, but his heart still picks up when he realizes he’s close to his favorite part of the song. He hits the drums in a quick succession, all fast and hard and raw, grinning to himself at how fucking good it sounds, lifting his head to look at Yann, who’s already smirking down at him, because they know each other so well that even the faintest cue clues them in. And then his eyes move to Eliott-</p><p>Who looks like every single one of Lucas’ wet dreams.</p><p>Lucas wants to eat him alive. Wants him to play with his body the way his fingers play with the strings of his guitar. Lick the sweat pooled under his lower lip and bite the side of his neck, run his fingers through his messy hair, straddle his lap before getting him off that oversized black t-shirt and just fucking kiss him everywhere.</p><p>There's concentration in Eliott’s face as he plucks the strings at a beat beat that makes Lucas feel dizzy, and he’s just standing there with a guitar in his hands, one leg slightly propped up to support it. His gym shorts have ridden up at that knee, giving Lucas the opportunity to see a tattoo peeking out of it. His grip on the drum sticks tightens as Eliott wets his lips with his tongue, and then Eliott is tilting his head up. And their eyes meet. </p><p>He loses grip of one of the sticks. He watches with wide eyes how it flies off his hand and against the wall behind him. He’s opening his mouth to say sorry when an excruciating metallic sound breaks through the room.</p><p>“Fuck!” Eliott is looking down at his guitar in horror. “Fuck, I am so sorry! Christ, fuck!”</p><p>“Eliott-”</p><p>“No, fuck. It sounded so good. I fucked it up. I’m sorry.” </p><p>“Eliott, dude. It’s no big deal.” Basile moves to place a hand on Eliott’s shoulder. “If only you knew the number of times Lucas has accidentally hit me in the face with a drum stick-”</p><p>“Yes. Accidentally.” Lucas cuts in, and it makes Eliott turn his head to look at him. His eyes are so sad, and Lucas is drowning. “But Bas is right, we all fuck up all of the time.” He glances over his shoulder with a pointed look. “In fact, if you hadn’t fucked up, I would have. Look where my drum stick is.”</p><p>“See? It’s alright, dude. Embrace your mistakes, because there’ll be plenty. From Lucas, especially. I’m surprised he hasn’t hit you with one stray stick in the past two months yet.”</p><p>“Oh, shut the fuck up Yann.” Lucas rolls his eyes, before turning to Eliott with a tentative grin. “It’s because I like your face. Unlike others’.”</p><p>Eliott grins back, a little bashfully and a lot more tamer than Lucas is used to from him, but he’ll take it for now. He’ll take whatever Eliott wants to give. </p><p>He can already see it becoming a problem. </p><p>“Thanks, guys. I just- yeah. I freaked out for a second.” Eliott huffs awkwardly. "It won't happen again."</p><p>"You're fine, dude." Basile consoles him. </p><p>Yann nods in understatement too, squeezing Eliott's shoulder once before returning back to his position, so Lucas bends to grab the wayward stick, getting back into position himself. </p><p>And then the glass door opens.</p><p>“Yo, Eliott!” Arthur shouts from the doorway. “You okay?”</p><p>Eliott startles at the mention of his name. His head turns towards the door. “Yeah, fine! Sorry for the breakdown.”</p><p>Arthur shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. You’re doing amazing, dude.”</p><p>“What about me?” Basile whines.</p><p>“Eh, you’re okay I guess.”</p><p> “Rude.”</p><p>“Okay, just wanted to check in. Keep it up guys! And much courage, Eliott. You’re gonna need it with these idiots.”</p><p>Eliott laughs lightly, the faint pink back in his cheeks, before smiling gently at Arthur. “Thanks. I will keep it in mind.”</p><p>“Joke’s on you, he’s part of us now. He joined the idiot side already.”</p><p>Eliott’s eyes clear instantly at Basile’s words, less of a storm in the middle of the ocean and more of a cloud after the worst poured down, and his lips curl up at the ends softly. Sometimes Lucas blesses Basile’s timing for things like this.</p><p>Eliott’s eyes search for Lucas’ immediately, and there’s something in them that has Lucas’ blood rushing to his face. Lucas only smiles at him just as softly, nodding in acknowledgement. </p><p>Eliott nods back.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>From: Mama</b>
</p><p>
  <em> And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. </em>
</p><p>
  <b>From: Mama</b>
</p><p>
  <em> I miss you, my son. Bring me back a bottle of wine. </em>
</p><p>Lucas smiles fondly at his phone screen as he types out a response.</p><p>
  <b>To: Mama</b>
</p><p>
  <em> miss you too, mama. and i will.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> love you. </em>
</p><p>They’ve been here for over a week and things have been… interesting. Good interesting, though. It’s their third album, and Lucas wasn’t kidding when he said he wasn’t used to this kind of luxury either. Compared to this, the other studio where they recorded their first album looks like a cardboard box.</p><p>He can’t complain. Countless sound rooms, brand new instruments (although Lucas misses his drum set) all for them to use, a backyard as big as his apartment, and a fucking <em> pool </em>out of all things. Plenty of shirtless Eliott running around the backyard in the afternoon sun, all happy and wet, so Lucas really doesn’t have much room to complain.</p><p>He hates himself a little for thinking like this. He just can’t help it; ever since Eliott came into his life, he can’t picture himself kissing someone else’s lips but his. Run his hands through someone else’s hair but his. Touch anybody but him the same way he’d like to be touched. And it shouldn’t be like this, he thinks, he shouldn’t be thinking about another person when he already has someone back home. Shouldn’t be thinking about a boy. A friend.</p><p>Yet he is, and he hates himself for it. And then he hates himself more when he thinks about Chloe, and he can’t find regret in his mind. Not for liking him. A boy. Not for liking Eliott. Because when you find someone like Eliott, you love them until the day you die, Lucas is sure. Not many things make sense for Lucas, but this does. Because Eliott is the type of person you would kill and die for, if only to see them smile; the person you’d cling to, until your very last breath, because they’re alive, and intoxicating and overwhelming in the best kind of way.</p><p>So he hates himself, but he likes Eliott more. And somehow that makes up for it.</p><p>Pocketing his phone in his sweatpants, he closes the door of his room silently. He walks down the hallway with slow, quiet steps, careful not to wake up the guys sleeping in the rooms next to his, and goes downstairs. Where the grand piano is. </p><p>He had seen it on the first day they got here, tucked in a far corner in the lounge room. It stood proudly by the tall windows, in all its white glory, that Lucas couldn’t help but give it a longing glance every time he passed by. His fingers have been itching to press down on its keys since the first day, but the occasion never arouse; either the guys were fucking around for too long downstairs, watching movies and playing board games, or he was too tired to think about sneaking off in the dead of the night. Until now.</p><p>He sits on the stool with his hands over the keys. And listens. Everything is quiet in the way only a summer night can be. He lets himself smile, the darkness in the room and the quiet of the night taking him to a calm state of mind, and then his fingers are moving. The pale moon illuminates the side of the piano, glimpses of white flashing on his hands when they move close enough in the direction of the window. </p><p>He’s missed this. A fleeting thought crosses his mind, that he should invest on a piano when he gets back to Paris, until it’s blank again. He gets high off this feeling. This feeling of complete numbness, nothingless that he thinks should make him feel isolated, but it doesn’t. It only relieves him.</p><p> “Lucas?”</p><p>His fingers slam down on the keys.</p><p>“Jesus Christ!” Lucas gasps, head snapping up. His eyes widen when he finds Eliott’s head poking out behind the couch. He clutches at his chest. “Fuck, dude. I’m going to tie a bell around your neck, you can’t keep doing this. I’m going to have a heart attack at 20.”</p><p>Eliott has the decency to smile sheepishly at him. “Sorry, it wasn’t my intention.” The moonlight shines on his face and dances around inside his eyes beautifully. “It just seems to happen.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll bet.” Lucas huffs. He turns sideways in the stool to face Eliott. “What are you doing there?”</p><p>“Couldn’t sleep.” Eliott explains after a second. He crosses his arms on the back of the couch, tucking his chin there. A strand of hair falls on his eyes, and Lucas desperately wants to touch. “I tried watching a movie but I don’t know where I left my earphones, and honestly, I wasn’t in the mood to look for them. So I came here, and then I crashed, apparently.” He shrugs. “Until the music woke me up.”</p><p>“Shit, sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t apologize,” Eliott says quietly, shaking his head, earnest eyes looking at Lucas. “It was beautiful. I would rather spend sleepless nights listening to you play than wasting my time dreaming.”</p><p>Lucas’ cheeks turn pink. He nods, thanking the dark for not giving him away, because he’s sure he’s got the answers of any question Eliott could ask etched in his skin in this moment. Instead, “Are you still stressed about the whole belonging thing?”</p><p>Eliott huffs out a laugh. “Well, when you call it like that...” Lucas wiggles his eyebrows at him, and Eliott laughs again. “But no, not really. Or a little, maybe, just the normal amount of stress I think.”</p><p>Lucas nods solemnly. “The normal amount of stress is good.”</p><p>“It is.” Eliott agrees with a small smile before his face turns somber. “You’re really cool guys, did you know?” He speaks, a little more timidly this time, playing with a thread on the couch. “You especially. You’re a good person, Lucas.”</p><p>Lucas bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from weeping. His body tingles all the way down to his toes at the way his name sounds coming from Eliott’s mouth. He’s never cared about his own name; just another name, the one he got at birth, he guesses. But when Eliott says it, it feels like falling in love, like it’s the only word he wants to hear for the rest of his life. It happens with everything Eliott says or does. </p><p>“So are you.” He answers back sincerely, voice going hoarse. </p><p>Eliott looks for his eyes in the dark, and Lucas lets himself get caught. They study each other in silence; it’s comfortable, and Lucas’ heart slows down to the point where he can’t hear it in his ears anymore. They stay like that until Eliott’s mouth falls open in a silent yawn. </p><p>Lucas takes notice of the drowsiness clouding Eliott’s eyes, and he bites back a fond smile. “Are you going back to your room? I can go if you want to stay here, I was the one making noise anyway.”</p><p>“No, no.” Eliott shakes his head slowly. “Stay, please. Could you play me something? So I can fall asleep faster?”</p><p>Lucas gives him a careful look. “Are you sure it won’t wake you up further again?”</p><p>“It won’t, promise. I just wasn’t expecting it the first time.”</p><p>“Well, okay then.” Lucas concedes. “You lie back down now, okay?”</p><p>“Okay.” Eliott nods, taking his arms off the back of the couch before disappearing out of Lucas' sight. “Good night, Lucas.”</p><p>Lucas smiles to himself, turning around in the stool. His fingers find the right keys to press on, and he does, slowly, softly, the room filling with quiet notes and warm melodies. </p><p>“Good night, Eliott.”</p><p>He plays until his hands ache, and Eliott sleeps. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Why didn't you guys tell me how good Lucas is with the piano?”</p><p>Yann gives Eliott an odd look, and Lucas wants to drown himself in this pool.</p><p>“Because he isn’t?” Yann frowns.</p><p>“What? Yes he is.” </p><p>Lucas submerges himself deeper into the cool water, enough that if he breathes now he thinks he could fill his lungs with enough water that he’d get out of this conversation. He gives Eliott a urgent look, but Eliott is too busy staring at his best friend with a challenging expression to notice him.</p><p>“I mean, he’s not bad at it? Lucas dabbles in most instruments. As long as you can get something that resembles a melody out of it, Lucas will play it.” Yann explains, confused as to why Eliott is sending him a death glare. “But I didn't think it would be a conversation topic."</p><p>Lucas appreciates Eliott trying to defend his honor, he does, a lot and very enthusiastically if the tightness in his swimsuit means anything, but he would appreciate it more if he would <em> just shut up </em>this time. </p><p>Because him playing piano isn't common knowledge, because the guys met him at a time when things with his mama weren't good, and back then he had preferred to unload his anguish by beating up a set of drums than playing the piano. And the piano requires a delicate touch, and a quiet mind, both of which he didn't have at the time, so he quitted, and when he picked it up again it had been too late for him to say anything. </p><p>So he didn't. </p><p>He watches as Eliott's mouth opens to throw back a retort, but before he has the chance to, Lucas finds himself in Eliott's space. </p><p>"You don't-" </p><p>"What Eliott meant to say," Lucas cuts him off with a squeeze of his shoulder. "is that I deserve to be a conversation topic at all times."</p><p>Eliott looks at him with a quizzical expression, brows furrowed. "No, I-" </p><p>"Anyway, I'm going inside to get a beer. Do you guys want one?" Lucas pipes in again, giving Eliott a pointed look before turning to the guys with a wide grin. He signs the words to Arthur, who gives him an enthusiastic nod. </p><p>He can feel Eliott's confused eyes staring at his profile, but he doesn't look back. Instead he squeezes Eliott's shoulder a little more forcefully. </p><p>His hand slips a little, and that's when he realizes he's fully plastered to Eliott's very naked and very wet side. The realization turns his cheeks a faint pink, but he ignores it. Ignores how smooth Eliott's warm neck feels against his arm and how his skin shivers where their hips brush together; how he wants to lick the water droplets that cling to his eyelashes and roll down the side of his face, or the hand that tentatively travels to his own waist a few moments later. </p><p>His quiet gasp is drowned out by the guys' chorus of agreement as Eliott drums his fingers on his waist. He turns his head to look at him, startled by the touch, finding Eliott's soft smile directed at him. </p><p>Lucas smiles back stupidly, warmth coiling deep inside his belly. </p><p>"Lucas, dude? The beers?" </p><p>"Oh yeah, yeah." He shakes his head, taking a step back from Eliott. "Eliott, come help me out please?"</p><p>Eliott gives him a look filled with curiosity before giving in. "Sure," he says, and then he's guiding Lucas with a hand on the small of his back. "Let's go." </p><p>Lucas holds his breath the entire way into the kitchen, pretending the goosebumps arising in his body is from the slight afternoon breeze against his shoulders and not Eliott's hand on him.</p><p>"They don't know, do they?" Eliott asks once they're in the kitchen. </p><p>Lucas shuts the fridge closed with his hip and passes two beer bottles to Eliott. </p><p>"Nope." </p><p>"Don't worry." Eliott says with a glint in his eyes. He pushes past Lucas to grab a bag of chips from the shelf, his breath hot hitting the side of Lucas' face, making Lucas' breath catch. "I'll keep your secret."</p><p>And suddenly Lucas isn't sure if they're having the same conversation. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. France</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i promised myself i would stick to a schedule but... well, new schedule is update every friday/saturday? </p><p>huge thanks to my friends and the people who read it and comment on it, i appreciate it a lot! happy reading :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>Paris (France), Fall 2018</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Guys, this is Lucille.”</p><p>The words feel like a punch to his stomach. Lucas blinks, and he’s surprised to see the world in the same state he left it before closing his eyes. The same shade of green in the trees, the same car honking at the van parked sideways. The same pair of grey eyes in front of him searching for something that Lucas isn’t willing to give.</p><p>It had been such a good morning. They had all decided to go for breakfast at a little café near Yann’s place, because even if they were technically on vacation until the album release date, they got cranky if they didn’t see each other once a week. And Lucas had been bordering delirious from not seeing Eliott for that long.</p><p>So it had been good. Amazing, even. Lucas had gotten up uncharacteristically happy, making an effort to look good, his tight black jeans low on his hips as he tried to tamper his hair. He had arrived to the café with a smile on his face, that had widened when he caught the reflection of three very familiar figures already sitting at a table, his heart beating fast inside his chest with blossoming elation. </p><p>And then he had moved to push the door open, when his hand had collided with someone else’s. He had looked at Eliott’s face in surprise, before Eliott himself had engulfed him in a tight embrace that Lucas had been too happy to reciprocate. He had felt the quiet <em>I missed you</em> pressed to his hair, and his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest and join the space between Eliott’s neck and shoulder, so he had tightened his arms around Eliott and whispered a soft <em>me too. </em>And he had felt so happy. So fucking happy.</p><p>But between a sip of coffee and the beginning of one of Basile’s second-hand embarrassment stories, Eliott’s phone had pinged and he’d excused himself for a minute before coming back with a pretty brunette under his arm. </p><p>Which takes him to this moment. Smiling awkwardly at the girlfriend of a guy he’s jerked off to in the shower for the past three months. </p><p>“Lucas.” Lucas gives her a tight-lipped smile, offering up his hand.</p><p>The girl, Lucille, takes it with a pretty smile that lights up her face. His body turns cold at that smile, because she’s fucking beautiful, and even if he’s starting to consider that he’s not into girls as much as he thought he was, or at all, maybe, he still can see that she’s the perfect person for Eliott. Happy. Alive. </p><p>There’s a fire inside her eyes that Lucas usually associates with Eliott, and that’s the clue he needs to understand his name never was in the competition sheet to begin with. He feels a hot sting forming around his nose and under his eyes, so he blinks rapidly, clearing his throat before letting his gaze fall to the table.</p><p>“It’s so nice to finally meet you! I’ve been dying to meet the guys Eliott keeps waxing poetry over.” She exclaims, and the genuine excitement in her voice kills off a part of Lucas.</p><p>Lucas makes an acknowledgement sound at the back of his throat, letting everyone else start up a conversation that he can’t hear with the sound of his heart pounding in his ears. His eyes stay fixed on the table, and god, he must be making an ass out of himself, he thinks, but he can’t bring himself to join in. He can’t. Not with her here; not with Eliott touching her and not him. The thought makes him nauseous. </p><p>A nudge on his side brings Lucas back from his thoughts. </p><p>He turns his head to fin Yann’s eyes on him. “You okay, dude?” he whispers, his hand traveling down to squeeze Lucas’ thigh comfortingly.</p><p>Lucas shakes his head. “I don’t feel so good.” He swallows drily. “I think I’m coming up with something.”</p><p>Yann makes a sympathetic sound before turning towards the table. His hand is still on Lucas’ leg when he gasps quietly, staring at the black screen on his phone. Lucas watches confusedly as he announcing he has to go help her sister unpack, asking Lucas if he can do him the favor of joining him. And then he understands.</p><p>God, he loves his best friend.</p><p>“I’m so sorry guys, it completely slipped my mind she was moving this week.” Yann laments as he fetches their coats. “I’m such an idiot. But you have fun! We’ll text you once we’re done.”</p><p>His sister is not moving anywhere, Lucas knows. And he’s pretty sure everyone in this table knows it, too, but they say nothing as Yann ushers them towards the door. He feels tears prickle at the corner of his eyes, warmth spreading through his bones with appreciation for his best friend, because fuck, if he had to stay in there for another minute he thinks he would have flipped.</p><p>Just as they’re saying their final farewells to everyone, bumping Arthur’s fist and giving a polite nod towards Lucille’s direction, that Lucille obviously reciprocates (because why wouldn’t she? He’s the pathetic one. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.), he feels fingers curling around his wrist. The fingers pull, and Lucas’ arm jerks. </p><p>“You’ll text me when you’re done for real, yeah?” Eliott is looking up at him with a tentative smile that has Lucas melting at sight of it. “I don’t wanna wait another week to get to see you for more than ten minutes.”</p><p>And Lucas doesn’t know why he does it, but he only smiles slightly, a little dazed and a little lightheaded from all the back and force, and nods. Like a fucking idiot. Because Eliott asked, and Lucas can’t deny him anything. He’s made his peace with it.</p><p>“Sure. I’ll text you.”</p><p>“Cool.” Eliott says, and there’s that smile again. The one that warms Lucas’ chest. He’s helpless. “Later, Lucas.”</p><p>He shoots one last glance towards Lucille, who’s hunched up against Eliott’s shoulder, her body shaking with laughter, just like Eliott’s. He swallows the sour taste inside his mouth, moving towards the door where Yann is patiently waiting for him. </p><p>But then he catches Eliott’s gaze for one fleeting moment: Eliott’s head is thrown back mid-laughter for one second, and the next one he freezes when he notices Lucas looking at Lucille’s fingers playing with the short hairs on the back of his neck. Lucas averts his gaze quickly, blush high on his cheeks as he scurries out of the café right behind Yann.  </p><p>They’ve been walking silently next to each other for some time when Yan breaks the silence.</p><p>“So,” Yann trails off, smacking his lips together. He looks at Lucas carefully. “Eliott, huh?”</p><p>And the whole situation is so fucking laughable, that that’s exactly what he does. Laugh. Until his sides hurt; laughs hysterically, because his life is a joke. He laughs until his throat hurts, supporting himself on Yann, who keeps him upright when the laughter turns into tears, who pats his shoulder and draws circles on his back as he lets it all out.</p><p>He lets out one last self-deprecating chuckle, head turned towards the sky as his tears dry on his cheeks. He hides his face on Yann’s neck after, groaning, his body shaking with delirious laughter.</p><p>“Fuck my life.” </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Things aren’t as awkward as Lucas thought they would be after the encounter with Eliott’s girlfriend. He thought their dynamic would change after that piece of knowledge, but nothing really did. The sky is still blue. He still sneaks out of Chloe’s flat when she passes out on the couch. Eliott is still the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. And Lucas is still silently admiring him at arms’ length.</p><p>He hasn’t decided if he’s okay with it yet.</p><p>(Because he isn’t, he would die every day for the rest of his life just to feel a brush of Eliott’s lips against his own. Because he is, because unanswered texts from Chloe burn a hole in his jeans and in his brain.)</p><p>Right now, Eliott’s nose is pink. Pink after stepping out of Yann’s place, where they all had challenged each other to one FIFA match after the other between slices of pizza, and Lucas isn’t sure if it’s from the cold outside or the beer at dinner. He doesn’t really care one way or the other, but he’d like to nuzzle their noses together and see if he can make the pink go away. Instead he just walks alongside with him, arms brushing with every mismatched step they take. </p><p>It’s a cold night, Lucas admits as he watches from the corner of his eye how the pink spreads to Eliott’s cheeks. He’s sure it’s from the cold now, but still, he can’t help but wonder whether he’d turn the pink into red if he were to press his lips where the pink turns faint, right by the corner of his mouth. </p><p>Maybe Eliott is someone who blushes when he kisses someone he likes for the first time - Lucas is, at least. He thinks he would like to find out.</p><p>“Well, fuck.” Eliott mutters next to him, sniffing a little. </p><p>Lucas turns to look at him questioningly. </p><p>Eliott is looking at his phone instead, the screen light shining on his face. His nose looks redder, and he’s got his lower lip caught between his teeth, eyebrows knitted together in a small frown. Lucas wants to soothe the wrinkle between his eyebrows, but he doesn’t.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” He asks instead.</p><p>Eliott huffs, hugging himself. “Last bus took off ten minutes ago.” He groans a dragged out <em>fuck</em> after that, looking like he’s ready to sit on the ground and have a good cry. “Why do these things happen to me? I’m gonna turn into a Frozen live-action by the time I get to my flat.”</p><p>Lucas snorts, earning himself a death glare from Eliott. Chuckling, he raises his hands in mock surrender, tilting his head to one side amusedly as Eliott keeps refreshing the page on his phone. </p><p>“You know I brought my bike with me, right?” He says to Eliott after a moment, who looks two beats away from smashing his phone against the ground. The words make Eliott’s head snap up immediately, and his expression fills with hope. “Yeah, I can give you a ride home if you want.”</p><p>“You would?”</p><p>“Of course.” Because he would. To anything Eliott asked, that would be his answer.</p><p>“Then, please.”</p><p>So they do.</p><p>Lucas takes them to where he parked the bike. He gets the helmets from inside the seat compartment, giving the spare one to Eliott before putting his on. Eliott turns the helmet over in his hands before putting it on, and Lucas has to muffle his laughter behind his hand at the way his hair plasters to his forehead.</p><p>Eliott is still trying to get the hair out of his eyes when Lucas returns with a black jacket in his hands. He tosses it to Eliott, who catches it with a curious look.</p><p>“What’s this for?” He asks, unfolding the jacket.</p><p>“It’s cold tonight, you’re gonna need it if you don’t want to turn into that Frozen live-action once we’re moving.” Eliott makes an understanding noise as he shrugs the jacket on. It looks good on him, a little tight on the arms, but the black jacket paired up with his cuffed jeans and white vans makes him look like a piece of art. Lucas wouldn’t mind pining him to a wall. He stares at Eliott, pursing his lips thoughtfully, an idea already forming in his mind. “Have you ever ridden a bike by the Seine at night?”</p><p>Eliott laughs lightly. “I’ve never ridden a bike, period.”</p><p>Lucas tries to cover his surprise at the words. “Oh, huh.” Eliott’s smile doesn’t waver, and it’s so contagious that Lucas feels the corners of his mouth pulling up involuntarily. “Do you want to?”</p><p>“Fuck yes.”</p><p>Lucas’ face splits into a grin at the eagerness in Eliott’s voice. He climbs on the bike before turning his head to Eliott, and gestures at him to do the same. Eliott does, throwing one leg over and sitting behind Lucas. The inside of his thighs press against Lucas’ sides, his front flush against Lucas’ back; he’s sitting closer to Lucas than most people would, and Lucas can feel the warmth radiating off Eliott’s chest right on his lower back. </p><p>“You can sit further away, if you want.” Lucas says nervously. Eliott only presses closer to him, impossibly so. Lucas holds his breath when he feels arms circling his waist tightly, a chin hooked on his shoulder that makes their helmets bump with a clicking sound. </p><p>“I know.” Is Eliott’s simple response. Lucas swears he feels the words whispered in his ear, despite the helmet separating them, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.</p><p>“Okay.” Lucas clears his throat. “Hold on tight, then.”</p><p>And then they’re moving. </p><p>Eliott is laughing incredulously behind him as the wind hits their faces and freezes their cheeks, the sound of cars around them and adrenaline ringing in his ears. Lucas takes a turn, and Eliott's arms tighten around his body, that, despite the biting cold, warms Lucas from the inside out. </p><p>Lucas blinks the coldness away, letting out a sigh of relief as they leave the empty streets behind. As their vision starts to get lighter and the roads busier, the long line of vehicles ahead of them cut down the cold. </p><p>It’s a beautiful night. The sky is painted in a clear black; this side of the city doesn’t have many tall buildings, so it’s impossible to understand the darkness above their heads as anything but the one that belongs to the middle of the night. Still, Lucas can see the Eiffel Tower shining brightly on the horizon. They follow the Seine closely, street lamp after street lamp lighting up the water. </p><p>It happens when Lucas slows down at a red light. </p><p>His chest is heaving rapidly, heart in his throat with excitement, when he supports himself on one leg and yells over the traffic, "Do you like it?”</p><p>“Are you kidding? I fucking love it!" </p><p>Lucas' grin threatens to split his face in two. He catches his reflection on the rearview, mesmerized by what he finds. He sees stars in his eyes and the sun hidden at the corners of his mouth. His face so bright, pink at the cheeks, the happiest he's ever seen himself. And then he catches Eliott's eyes, so bright that Lucas' pale in comparison, like a lighting bolt enough to give power to the whole of Paris. </p><p>Lucas finds himself smiling harder, a giddiness in his heart that makes him huff. Then Eliott is smiling too, hard, brightly, beautifully, making Lucas lose his breath. </p><p>And then the pink in his cheeks turns bright red when he feels fingers brushing the waistband of his jeans. Lucas looks down, seeing Eliott's fingers play with the hem of his jacket before lifting it up slowly, slightly. Just enough to sneak it under the clothes and spread his cold palm against Lucas' stomach. </p><p>Lucas hisses at the coldness on Eliott's fingertips, stomach quivering under his touch, making Eliott's hand still against his skin. Lucas gasp softly at the contact, eyes fluttering closed for a second. He reaches down to curl his fingers around Eliott's wrist, holding it there, and for a second he's scared his heart will spill out of him from his fingertips. </p><p>Eliott smiles at him sheepishly from the rearview, and Lucas lets out a breathy laugh himself, losing himself on the feeling of skin against skin. Then the light is green, and they're off again. Eliott's hand stays inside his sweater for the whole ride. </p><p>And later,</p><p>Later is Eliott climbing off the bike, Lucas following. Later is Eliott taking off his helmet, the moon shining behind him in a way that dries Lucas' mouth. Later Eliott pulls out a pack of cigarettes with a taunting smile on his face, and he offers one to Lucas. </p><p>"Wanna share?" He asks. </p><p>Lucas shakes his head. "You know I don't smoke."</p><p>"Keep me company, then."</p><p>So Lucas does. </p><p>His helmet is looped on his arm, but he doesn't climb off the bike as he watches Eliott blowing thick clouds of smoke in front of him. </p><p>"You know, that's bad for your health." </p><p>Eliott raises and eyebrow, blowing a thin trail of smoke in Lucas' way. "So are you, yet I can't seem to stay away."</p><p>Lucas snorts out an ironic laugh, biting his tongue.</p><p>“Your girlfriend is nice.”</p><p>Eliott sighs and throws the cigarette to the ground. “It’s complicated.”</p><p>Lucas hums. </p><p>“I didn’t say it wasn’t. But she’s nice. Very pretty.”</p><p>“You’re prettier.”</p><p>And Lucas laughs loudly at that. Yeah, right. </p><p>“Yeah, right.”</p><p>Then, </p><p>Then Eliott is crossing the space between them, and Lucas' heart is in his throat again. Then Eliott levels himself on Lucas' shoulders, feet raised and fingers digging into Lucas' collarbone, and is he gonna kiss Lucas? Because Lucas would let him. </p><p>Just like that, he makes up his mind. He's not okay with it, he decides, with any of it. Would rather die everyday after one kiss from Eliott than keep living without knowing the taste of his lips. </p><p>So he closes his eyes, ready to die. His hands tremble at his sides, so he fists Eliott's jacket desperately in an attempt to keep himself afloat. </p><p>But Eliott bypasses his lips, his cheek, and his breath hits Lucas' ear when he whispers "I am hopelessly a lover," his lips brushing the shell of his ear, and Lucas shakes, "and a dreamer. And that will be the death of me." </p><p>And then he's gone. </p><p>So Lucas goes home, to an empty house, with cold hands and cold lips. And when he's in bed, with flashes of grey going through his mind, heat between his legs and Eliott's name on his tongue, his hands are no longer cold. But he can't shake off the coldness in his bones, so he sleeps, and he's cold. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Eliott Demaury. What a wonder to the universe. With the mystery inside his grey eyes and the promise of a kiss hidden under his bottom lip, that Lucas would desperately like to steal. He’s gorgeous in every sense of the word, an unpredictable force in Lucas’ life, free and wild, and the reason behind most of his smiles lately.</p><p>If Lucas had to put people into boxes, he thinks Eliott would be a wild card. He’s learnt not to question any of his actions by now. And it’s exciting as much as it is nerve-wrecking.</p><p>Chloe, though. Sweet, beautiful Chloe; he’s known what box she has belonged to since the very fucking begining. </p><p>And it must be a joke from the universe, Lucas thinks, because the stark difference between Eliott and Chloe feels like a personal mock more than anything at this point. Because as scared as he is of saying too much in Eliott’s presence, it feels like with him and Chloe it’s the complete opposite.</p><p>The irony.</p><p>It's never about what he says, with Chloe, but rather the words that go unspoken. </p><p>The unsent ‘do you wanna hang out today?’ haunting his drafts, that he doesn’t send because he should, he really should, but he doesn’t actually <em>want </em>to. The chaste cheek kisses that never last more than a beat, because his lips taste bitter the longer he spends worshipping her skin, as opposed to the apologize he should be giving for not answering his phone for three days.</p><p>And it’s so ironic, because he sees it shining in Chloe’s eyes, how she wants more. More than what he’s willing to give, so he doesn’t, and then he thinks about all the times he looks at Eliott with that same expression, and wonders if Eliott ever feels as shitty as he does.</p><p>What starts the fight this time is an act of cowardice. There’s an unanswered text burning his phone, a knock on his door. He turns his head to one side when Chloe moves to kiss him. </p><p>Shame pools at the pit of his stomach, harsh words that turn into screaming, and Lucas doesn’t know when she started crying, but he wants to cry a little too at how messy things have turned.</p><p>So he compromises. He wipes her tears and hugs her hard against his chest. Kisses her head, apologizes until his voice turns hoarse, until she falls asleep on his couch, and a long time after that too. Apologizes until he doesn’t know who he’s saying sorry to, her or himself. </p><p>And he cries.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“You’re late.”</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes amusedly, tilting his head up in a daring way. “Shut up.” Eliott smiles from the threshold. “Are you gonna let me in or what? I was promised booze and pizza.”</p><p>Eliott barks out a laugh, opening the door wider, and his eyes crinkle at the ends when Lucas gives a little appreciative bow.</p><p>“Basic needs are for people who get to their friends’ houses on time, Lucas” He calls over his shoulder a second later, as Lucas follows him inside the apartment.</p><p>“You wouldn’t let me starve.”</p><p>Eliott turns his head, a contemplative smirk on his face that makes Lucas’ pulse quicken. And then he winks.</p><p>“Behave yourself today, and we’ll see.”</p><p>Lucas’ mouth goes dry. </p><p>This was a colossal mistake, a part of his brain screams at him. A huge fucking mistake, that he could have avoided if he hadn’t agreed to Eliott’s text. A mistake that’s entirely his fault, because he knows what happens when him and Eliott stand in the same room together. He knows how the hairs in his arms stand up at the sound of his voice, and the way his stomach ties in knots when Eliott’s gaze falls on him. </p><p>It doesn’t help, when two hours later they’re laying on the floor together, and Eliott’s socked foot brushes against his calf every time he shifts. It really doesn’t, because he feels Eliott’s breath against his cheek when he turns to look at him, and his stomach is empty, of both booze and beer, but just Eliott’s attention on him lights up every nerve in his body.  </p><p>Out of all the mistakes he’s ever made, this one might be his favorite yet. </p><p>“It was from this one movie...” Eliott’s voice is hoarse when he speaks. The words come in quiet murmurs, washing over Lucas. “You know, the one where Matt Damon looks sexy.”</p><p>If Lucas had the strength to do so, he’d snort at Eliott’s jumbled rant. Instead, he blinks his eyes up at him, turning on his side until his knees brush against Eliott’s thighs. </p><p>The carpet is soft under his back, and if he were to stretch enough his toes would touch Eliott’s couch. It isn’t that late, or at least Lucas doesn’t think so. Still, the wide open windows do nothing to shine light inside the apartment. </p><p>Right here, right now, with his arm tucked under his head and the faint sound of the turntable playing music from the other room, Eliott’s eyes glowing as he speaks, he doesn’t think he’s ever felt this content.</p><p>“Hmm.”</p><p>Eliott stops his rant to look over at Lucas. There’s something in his eyes that Lucas doesn’t understand when he reaches with one hand to brush a strand of hair off Lucas’ eyes, the other hand resting comfortably on his belly. Lucas watches entranced the movement of Eliott’s hand until he feels fingertips graze his forehead, and the shiver makes his eyelashes flutter. </p><p>“Hold on.” Eliott rasps out, moving his hand away. Lucas has to try very hard to avoid pouting, making the oredereal a lot more difficult when he stands up altogether. “I have something for us.”</p><p>“I hope it’s the beer you lured me with!” Lucas yells after him.</p><p>He watches as Eliott disappears into the other room. The black sweatpants he’s wearing cling to the curve of ass, baggy around the calfs, and he’s walking with only one black sock on. He doesn’t know whether he wants to pin him against the nearest wall or wrap his arms around his middle and hide his face in the crook of his neck, God. </p><p>He rolls on his back again, sighing to himself. If only Eliott wasn’t so damn contradicting all the fucking time. </p><p>
  <em>“Tada!”</em>
</p><p>There’s a blunt rolled between Eliott’s fingers and a proud grin on his face when Lucas looks at him.</p><p>“A joint?”</p><p>“A joint.” Eliott affirms. He plops down on the floor next to Lucas, crossing his legs. “You want?”</p><p>Lucas hesitates, mirroring Eliott’s position. Sitting like this, their knees knock together, black against grey, and Lucas wants to ask. </p><p>
  <em>Don’t you see? How good we look together? You felt it too, right? You felt it too, the other night when I dropped you off, when you almost kissed me. Because it isn’t only attraction, is it? And it scared you. As much as it scared me. </em>
</p><p>But he doesn’t. </p><p>“it’s chill if you don’t.” Eliott speaks again, oblivious to Lucas’ internal monologue. “No pressure.”</p><p>Lucas gulps, watching Eliott raise the blunt up to his lips. He blinks. “No, I mean, I’ve tried it before.” Eliott’s eyebrows lift up amusedly, and Lucas huffs. “What? I have! In high school!”</p><p>“Sure.” Eliott smirks, and a trail of white smoke comes out from the corner of his mouth.</p><p>“Okay give me it right now.”</p><p>Eliott’s grin widens when he passes the joint to Lucas.</p><p>God, this boy. He makes Lucas want to do stupid things, like kiss him when no one’s looking and smoke weed on a weekday. One day he’ll cave, and he’s going to hate himself more than he already does. He can’t see this ending well for anyone involved.</p><p>Lucas takes the joint, careful not to let their fingers touch, and ignores Eliott’s stare as he wraps his lips around the rolled paper. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, because really, what he meant by trying weed in high school went more along the lines of his friends getting high at the back of school and him watching than anything else. </p><p>His tongue tastes dull when he sucks on the blunt, so he pulls away quickly, frowning, because whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t this. </p><p>The smoke fills his mouth uncomfortably, so he tries to exhale like he’s watched his friends do countless of times. But he inhales instead. </p><p>And chokes.</p><p>“Whoa there!” Eliott is at his side in a second, rubbing circles on his back as Lucas coughs up his insides. “Easy.”</p><p>“Sorry.” Lucas croaks out, a faint blush tainting his cheeks. “Guess it’s been a while.” He adds, a little self-deprecatingly, before passing the roll back to Eliott.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize.” Eliott murmurs. “Do you wanna try again though? I’ll teach you.”</p><p>And, well. He’s not gonna say no to <em>that</em>.</p><p>So he nods.</p><p>He doesn’t expect it when Eliott sits up on his knees in front of him, one knee nudging his side, so light that he doesn’t think Eliott even notices it, but to Lucas it feels like a bar digging into his ribs. He doesn’t expect it when Eliott murmurs a soft <em>‘here’ </em>before he’s inching closer to Lucas, guiding the joint to his lips.</p><p>Suddenly Eliott’s other hand cups the back of his neck before it slides down to his collarbone, and Lucas resists the urge to scream. “You want to do it like this.” Eliott explains quietly. His fingers brush against Lucas’ bottom lip where his mouth and the joint meet. His other hand slides up until it reaches his jaw, long fingers curling around his neck when Lucas nods reassuringly. “See? Just relax. Breathe in, slowly. Feel how relaxed my hand is, try not to tense up your throat too much.”</p><p>Lucas’ eyes flutter closed. He does as he’s told, inhaling slowly, ignoring the way his heart is threatening to beat out of his chest. The tip of Eliott’s fingers against his bottom lip feels heavenly, and the slight pressure on his neck makes his pants tight. </p><p>Lucas purses his lips when Eliott’s hand moves away, blowing out the smoke slowly. Grey smoke fills the space between their faces, but he still makes out Eliott’s small smile directed at him through the haze.</p><p>“There you go.” </p><p>Lucas grins back, ignoring the itchy burning of his lungs, before diving back to steal the roll from between Eliott’s fingers. Eliott lets out a startled laughter, and Lucas’ grin only widens.</p><p>“I think this was a horrible idea.” Eliott laughs as Lucas takes a hit, this time without coughing. He pats himself on the back for that. “Did I just get the most famous drummer in France addicted to weed? Oh God, I’m going to get exiled.”</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes. “You’re so dramatic.” He says, blowing the smoke up into Eliott’s face.</p><p>Eliott blinks, scrunching up his nose.</p><p>Lucas blinks back.</p><p>And then they’re laughing hysterically.</p><p>“You think you’re the master of smoking weed now? Lucas Lallemant, professional drummer, France’s biggest brat and master weed smoker?”</p><p>“Yes.” He frowns a second later. “Wait, no. Who the fuck are you calling brat? And why is my tongue doing weird things? Huh?” He sticks his tongue out to asses the damage, pouting when he doesn’t see past his nose. Maybe if he takes it out of the way-</p><p>“You’re high? Already?” Eliott laughs loudly. “Oh, I have to film this.”</p><p>Lucas’ eyes snap back to Eliott. “You film me like this and you’re a dead body.” He says, slowly, because his tongue is still doing weird things.</p><p>Eliott’s eyes widen, and he raises his hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright. No filming.”</p><p>“Good.” He says. His head feels like a deadweight on top of his shoulders, so he frowns, letting himself fall down on the carpet again. “I’m going to lay here now, if you don’t mind.”</p><p>He hears a snort followed by a ‘don’t let me stop you’, and then there’s a familiar lump next to him on the floor. He rolls his head to find Eliott’s eyes staring at him.</p><p>“Fancy seeing you here.” Eliott jokes, nudging him on the ribs.</p><p>Lucas turns his head to one side. “You invited me?”</p><p>“I meant the floor.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Eliott barks out a loud laugh. “God, you’re so fucking stoned.”</p><p>Lucas grins, satisfied, throwing up two of his fingers in a lazy peace sign. Eliott grins back.</p><p>A phone pings then, startling Lucas.</p><p>“Aren’t you going to take it?” He says, looking pointedly at Eliott when another message comes through.</p><p>Eliott sighs. “It’s probably Lucille.” He says, digging into the front pocket of his sweatpants. His face falls when the screen of his phone lights up, lips set on a straight line and furrowed eyebrows. Lucas almost regrets asking him about it. “Yep, it’s her.”</p><p>An uncomfortable weight settles in his belly. “Ah.” He hums. “What does she want?”</p><p>Not that he really wants to know. Honestly, if Eliott is about to tell him about all the cute things they tell each other on the daily he might puke right in Eliott’s floor - because Eliott is so soft, he doesn’t believe for a second he’s not the kind of boy who hugs you in bed and tells you about the things that reminded him of you on the way to work.</p><p>Yann was right. He’s got it <em>bad.</em></p><p>Eliott takes a second to answer, almost like he’s mulling over how much he wants to share. Lucas wishes he wouldn’t have so hard about it. He wants to know everything there is to know about him. </p><p>In the end, he only shrugs, fitting his arms under his head, and says “The usual. What are you doing today Eliott? Have you slept okay? Did you eat? Peed at least three times since you woke up? Are you remembering to fucking breathe?”</p><p>Lucas’ eyebrows shoot up to his forehead.  </p><p>“Wow, that’s…” He trails off. His head lolls in Eliott’s direction. “That’s a lot. Is that what you meant when you said it was complicated?” He asks, not unkindly. </p><p>Eliott shrugs again.</p><p>“I guess.”</p><p>Lucas doesn’t say anything after that. He feels loosen up, and he opens his mouth a few times to check that his jaw is still working. He can’t tell, but it moves under his fingers when he touches it so he reckons it’s fine.</p><p>It’s weird, because from what he’s seen Eliott and Lucille seemed like a normal couple. But then Eliott had said that things were complicated, and Lucas had foolishly let himself hope. That maybe it was complicated in the way him and Chloe are, too. That maybe he’d be seen, finally, in the same way he sees. </p><p> "You know what I just realized?” His tongue feels heavy on the roof of his mouth when he talks. “You've never asked about Chloe."</p><p>Eliott shoots him a look. </p><p>"Do you... wanna talk about her?" He asks hesitantly.</p><p>He thinks he does. Or, maybe not <em>want</em>, that wouldn’t be his choice of words, but he thinks he needs to. Before his own thoughts eat him up from the inside. </p><p>So -</p><p>"She's beautiful.” He says at last. Eliott’s piercing grey eyes study his face curiously, and he lowers his gaze nervously. “She's so sweet.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Eliott says softly.</p><p>Lucas swallows, darting a quick look at Eliott before averting his gaze again. “Yeah.” He murmurs. His hand flies to play with the strings of his hoodie, ignoring the heat in his face. “But it doesn't... feel right, you know? It's never felt right. Sometimes it feels like I made a mistake, and I don’t know how to fix it."</p><p>There’s a pause, and Lucas thinks he’s shared too much now. Shouldn’t have opened his mouth, because who says that about their girlfriend? A girl so sweet and smart, that he should be swooning, because anyone else would be. But he’s not, because maybe</p><p>Because maybe there’s something wrong with him.</p><p>"Why do you think that?" Eliott’s voice sounds like honey when he interrupts Lucas’ thoughts.</p><p>Lucas pulls at the string of his hoodie nervously, silent, his bottom lip caught between his teeth.</p><p>"I think- I think there might be something wrong with me." He confesses softly. </p><p>The admission burns his throat. He waits patiently for Eliott’s response, and frowns when he doesn’t get one. As he tilts his chin up to stare up at him, he notices the distance between them has shrunk. Their noses almost touch, and from this up close he could count the tiny specks of green in Eliott’s eyes if he wanted to.</p><p>He doesn’t know how or when they got this close, but suddenly Eliott’s warm breath hits his cheek and their legs bump together when he shifts. So he inches a little closer. There’s a calm expression in Eliott’s face, and his eyes don’t leave Lucas’ face, so he moves another inch closer. </p><p>And another one.</p><p>His eyes fall shut when he feels eyelashes against his cheeks, their noses touching, and he fists at Eliott’s t-shirt desperately as his mouth parts. </p><p>And then there’s a thumb pressing down on his bottom lip, preventing him from closing the gap between them.</p><p>“Lucas…” Eliott whispers helplessly.</p><p>“Oh.” </p><p>Lucas’ face is on fire when he pulls away. Eliott’s hand falls limply between their heads, like a crude reminder of what Lucas was about to do. God, he-</p><p>“I have a girlfriend.” Lucas croaks out.</p><p>“You do.”</p><p>“You have a girlfriend, too.”</p><p>Eliott hesitates before nodding, hooded eyes full of sadness. Lucas can’t help but feel that he was the one to put it there. God.</p><p>“Yes, yes I do.” </p><p>Lucas takes a second, and then he nods.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Out of nowhere there’s arms pulling him against Eliott’s chest, fingers digging into his back. Eliott cups the back of his neck gently, hooks his chin on top of Lucas’ neck, and hugs him close.</p><p>"There's nothing wrong with you, you hear me? Nothing." The words are pressed to his hair, and the hand on his waist tightens. “Nothing.”</p><p>His head is swimming, floating, and he doesn’t understand shit. Still, he lets Eliott rock him in his arms. </p><p>Later, he’ll feel the embarrassment down to his bones. Later he’ll avoid Eliott’s stares, and he’s sure the rejection will hurt more in the morning when he wakes up. But right now; right now he doesn’t move, because it feels good, and he’s so confused, but at least the sound of Eliott’s breathing against his ear pacifies him.</p><p>“Okay.” He concedes.</p><p>He’s never getting high again.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Lucas has to admit he hasn’t felt this nervous in a long time. </p><p>His hands are clammy as he gets out of the cab. There’s sweat pooling at the back of his neck already, and he thanks the stars for having chosen a black outfit that won’t give away how nervous he <em>actually </em>is.</p><p>There’s people screaming his name over his shoulder, throwing in question after question about their album, and the lyrics, and the inspiration, and<em> Lucas, is sleeveless about Chloe?</em></p><p>Lucas’ skin crawls inwards, but he only squeezes Chloe’s hand harder, keeping his gaze on the ground as they make their way to the club.</p><p>“That was a lot.” A voice says. “Hey, Chloe.”</p><p>Lucas lifts his head up to find Yann leaning on the wall next to the restroom with his arms crossed. That asshole, Lucas muses, he looks good in everything. Even in a stupid Elton John costume, shiny t-shirt and all.</p><p>“God, you’re telling me.” Lucas sighs, moving in for a sideways hug. </p><p>“That’s what usually happens when you drop an album just before Halloween.” Chloe jokes, kissing Yann’s cheek. “Hi.”</p><p>Yann takes a step back to take a good look at them, smirking. “Nice buns.” He says to Chloe. “Although, if I remember correctly, Princess Leia wore a braid with that exact outfit."</p><p>“Ugh, don’t be a buzzkiller.”</p><p>Yann’s grin widens, and he lifts his hands up in mock surrender. “So.” He claps his hands together. “Ready to party?”</p><p>“As ready as I’ll ever be.”</p><p>Turns out, he’s not as ready as he thought he was. As soon as they step into the club, a wave of people he’s never seen in his life comes to chat him up. No matter how many times he does this, he never gets used to it. The pats on the shoulder, the condescending smiles, the fake interest in the shape of a small conversation.</p><p>Another man in a black suit and bowtie comes to him, and Lucas sighs, taking another big sip out of his cup. If he has to see another fucking James Bond costume he’s going to drown himself with the first bottle of rum he finds. </p><p>Whose idea was to do a release party costume themed?</p><p>He’s proud of the album they’ve produced. So proud, his mama almost hung up on him because he wouldn’t shut up about it. But he just wants to get drunk and enjoy a night of celebration with his friends, god. He hasn’t even seen the rest of the guys yet.</p><p>Chloe had abandoned him an hour ago, and although her presence does calm him down, he’s glad he doesn’t have to pretend to want to wrap his arms around her stomach and actually enjoy it.</p><p>She’s got a great stomach, don’t get him wrong. Soft under his fingers. Curvy.</p><p>Nothing like Eliott’s chest, though.</p><p>Wow, okay. Maybe he’s starting to feel the drinks he’s had.</p><p>There’s a woman in red stilettos and a suit that’s been chewing his ear up for the past twenty minutes. Something about finances, numbers, and honestly, another long list of words that he doesn’t understand or has the intend to. In an attempt to relieve the pressure on his shoulders he cranes his neck to one side, and his breath catches when he sees grey eyes staring straight up at him.</p><p>Eliott.</p><p>“Sorry, I have to- I’ll catch you later.” He gestures absently, already making his way through the crowd to get to Eliott.</p><p>Eliott meets him halfway.</p><p>“Well, look at you.” Eliott sings with a taunting smile. “Luke Skywalker?”</p><p>Lucas looks down at his black clothes: tight black waistcoat and matching jeans, with a black glove on his right hand to add to the effect. Then he looks back at Eliott.</p><p>His hair is done in a greasy swirl, not like any time he’s ever seen him. He’s got a white t-shirt that glows against the neon lights of the club, a leather jacket thrown over his shoulder that keeps his arms flexed and a rolled joint behind his ear.</p><p>He looks hot.</p><p>“Danny Zuko?” He asks, to indulge him.</p><p>Eliott’s eyes light up with glee. “So you <em>do </em>watch musicals!”</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes playfully in spite of himself. “Listen, it was one time, and-”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Big, tough Lucas Lallemant doesn’t know how to watch fun movies. We get it. Eliott interrupts him, laughing lightly. The sound gets swallowed up by the bass noise coming through the speakers, and Lucas mourns the loss. “But no, I’m… Eliott Zuko.”</p><p>“Eliott Zuko.” Lucas repeats, amusedly, tasting the words in his mouth.</p><p>“Yeah. Danny Zuko was a bit of a douche, wasn’t he?” Eliott asks, moving one step closer. </p><p>His hand curls around Lucas’ bicep, and his mouth dances dangerously close to Lucas’ face. Lucas convinces himself it’s because the music is too loud to hear each other perfectly.</p><p>“Yeah.” He says weakly. The hand on his bicep squeezes, making the hairs on Lucas’ nape stand up. “But he was okay at the end.”</p><p>Lucas follows the movement of Eliott’s pink tongue when he licks his lips. “Do you-”</p><p>Someone grabs at the hem of Eliott’s t-shirt, pulling him away from Lucas forcefully. </p><p>“Eliott, where the fuck did you disappea-” Lucille yells over the music. Her red lipstick brushes against Eliott’s ear, and it’s the only color Lucas can see. The lights reflect against the pale pink jacket she’s wearing. </p><p>“Lucille, not now.” Eliott stops her. His eyes fit over to where Lucas is standing.</p><p>Lucas waves awkwardly, shooting a small smile towards Lucille’s direction. “Hey!” He calls out.</p><p>“Lucas, hi! Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”</p><p>“It’s fine!” His smile feels stranded on his face. God, was he wrong. He hasn’t drunk nearly enough for this. “I’m gonna. I’m gonna go find Chloe. You two have fun.”</p><p>And with that, he turns around, tuning out everything around him. </p><p>He finds her ten minutes later.</p><p>She’s talking to someone he’s never met, perched against a bar table. The posture makes her hips pop up, the curve of her back perfectly traced by the long, silky skirt she’s wearing. To Lucas, it feels like staring at a portrait in the Louvre.</p><p>Objectively beautiful but untouchable. </p><p>He touches her shoulder.</p><p>“Oh!” She smiles, pleasantly surprised. She’s always smiling around him. It makes him sick that he can’t reciprocate. “Hi babe. Having fun?”</p><p>He surges forward.</p><p>Her hands fly up to wrap around his neck as he cups her cheeks, moving his lips methodically in a way that has her trembling in his arms. He has a fleeting thought about the person that was sitting across her just a second ago, hoping to God that they know he’s not usually this rude. </p><p>Chloe gasps against his mouth, and he focuses back on making her feel good. His lips trail down her chin sloppily, to her jaw, to her throat and chest, ignoring the bitter sensation on his tongue.</p><p>When he feels like the burning is too intense to handle he grips her hips harder, pulling her against him.</p><p>“Fuck Lucas,” Chloe pants in his ear. “Not here.”</p><p>So he pulls away. </p><p>Chloe looks disappointed for about two seconds before he’s dragging her by the hand to the restroom they bypassed when they got here. He closes the door with a loud bang, wasting no time in pressing her against the nearest wall. He pushes his leg between Chloe’s, adding pressure when he starts to hear soft moans, and everything feels hot.</p><p>It’s hot, too hot, everything around him. Lucas sees red in the shade of Lucille’s lipstick, and his mouth tingles the wrong way when he kisses her. His vision is red, and his hands tremble when they touch her chest, too bumpy, soft, and just the slightest touch makes Chloe shiver against him, but he feels nothing.</p><p>Nothing except overwhelming heat that makes his stomach turn. There’s something wrong with him, his mind screams. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Try harder.</p><p>
  <em>There's nothing wrong with you.</em>
</p><p>The words sound loud and clear inside his head. </p><p>He pulls away a second time, gasping. His legs shake under him and his lips tremble and he has to get out of here or he’s going to crumble.</p><p>“I can’t do this.” His voice sounds strangled. He ignores Chloe’s confused little sound, avoiding looking at her at all. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>He leaves the restroom. He walks out of the club altogether, his heart in his head and his lungs in his hands.</p><p>“Are you okay, Lucas?” Eliott asks when he finds Lucas standing outside, his forehead pressed to the cold concrete.</p><p>Lucas breathes once through his nose before turning around. “Yeah. I’m okay.”</p><p>“Do you…” Eliott trails off. “I was on my way home. Do you wanna share a cab?”</p><p>Lucas nods, and follows him to the cab.</p><p>It’s quiet inside of the car. There’s a gap between Lucas and Eliott where they’re sitting at the back, Eliott’s hands clasped in front of him and Lucas’ own hand is trapped between his legs, the other one scrubbing at the lipstick marks that he sees reflected on the window. He feels restless, devoid of words, and his heart beats uncomfortably in his throat whenever he catches a glimpse of himself on the window.</p><p>The hum of the engine fills the silence, the radio turned up so low that Lucas can’t make out any sound. </p><p>And then Eliott decides to break it.</p><p>“Lucille and I have decided to go on a break.”</p><p>Lucas’ throat burns.</p><p>“Stop the cab.”</p><p>He throws up.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>"This isn't working." </p><p>There’s a stranger’s house with snow on the windowsill. Two silhouettes glow in front of the window, up for every passerby to see. Lights twinkle all around them, and their shadows move to the rhythm of a Christmas carol playing on a cheap music tape.</p><p>In Lucas’ apartment though, the windows are devoid of snow.</p><p>"What?" </p><p>"C'mon, Lucas.” Chloe huffs humorlessly. “Don't make me say it."</p><p>"I- I don't."</p><p>"You never want to spend time together. And at first I thought it was because you were busy? But I know. I know you've been doing nothing but lazy around this week. You won't touch me unless you're drunk. And that's wrong, Lucas."</p><p>"Chloe-" </p><p>"That's so wrong.” There’s no music playing. Just a sigh that sounds deafening. “You're such a sweet boy. You're so beautiful. But I deserve more.” Silence, and Lucas joins Chloe on the couch. She looks at him, and he looks back. “Don't I? I want to feel wanted. I want to think that I deserve that.” There’s tears in her cheeks, and they twinkle under the artificial light. It’s the only thing that twinkles inside the apartment. “Do you even know what date today is? Our six month anniversary. Did you even know?" </p><p>A shaky breath escapes Lucas’ mouth.</p><p>"I'm so sorry.” He whispers. His hands curl around Chloe’s wrists. They feel delicate around his fingers, and his insides turn. “I'm so sorry I hurt you. You, Chloe- I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen." </p><p>Chloe shakes her head, and a tear catches on the corner of her mouth. "Let me ask you a question.” She smiles sadly. “Do you want me?" </p><p>There’s a static sound, that comes from somewhere in the kitchen or the rushing of his ears, Lucas isn’t sure. Papers pile up in his dining table, that he should look over at some point before the holidays. In one corner of the room, a doodle on a McDonald’s napkin of his eyes peeks out.</p><p>Lucas cups Chloe’s cheeks wordlessly, catching the tears with his thumbs.  </p><p>This is it. </p><p>"No."</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t have to look on the glass door’s reflection to know his eyes are red around the edges. He punches in the code that he knows by heart by now, ignoring the way the back of his jacket clings wetly to his back. With each step up he feels the composure leave his body, his shoulders hunching up as he tries to make himself look as small as he feels.</p><p>A knock on the door, 3B the sign above his head reads. </p><p>“Lucas?” Eliott’s eyes are wide when he opens the door.</p><p>Lucas bites his lip. “Could I stay here tonight?” He asks quietly. “Chloe and I broke up.”</p><p>“Of course.” Eliott says, eyeing Lucas’ drenched clothes with comical surprise. “Come in.”</p><p>So he does.</p><p>He stands in the hallway with his shoes in his hands. The rain had reached his socks, and he grimaces when he feels the damp fabric sticking to the soles of his feet. He stands there until Eliott comes back with a change of clothes and a dry towel, and then he’s being ushered inside the bathroom by gentle hands. </p><p>Eliott closes the door with a ‘yell at me if you need anything else, I’ll be on the other room waiting’ and a small smile on his face, and something unlocks in Lucas’ chest. He smiles a little when he sees the black sweatpants Eliott always wears at the top of the pile, rolling the soft fabric between his fingers before putting it on. He knows Eliott has caught him rubbing circles in the elastic at the ankles more than once. They’ve always looked so soft on him.</p><p>When the waistband hugs his hips warmly, he concludes that they’re as soft as they look.</p><p>Later, when the couch has turned into a bed and the lights have been turned off; later, when Lucas’ hair is no longer wet, and Eliott’s arm are on his back and Lucas’ arms are wrapped around Eliott’s middle, Eliott speaks.</p><p>“Are you sad?” He whispers carefully, threading a strand of Lucas’ hair between his fingers.</p><p>“I don’t know.” Lucas whispers, just as quietly. His heart feels like a nuisance inside his chest, an unwanted weight that he doesn’t know how to deal with. ”I think I’m sad for the wrong reasons.” </p><p>“There’s not a right or a wrong reason to be sad. You can just be sad, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.”</p><p>Lucas bites the inside of his cheek. </p><p>"I hurt her.” He confesses. “I hate myself." </p><p>"Don't say that." Eliott whispers fiercely, digging his fingers into Lucas’ small back.</p><p>The pressure makes Lucas gasp, and he holds his breath, waiting for a follow up. Not sure if he wants one, but expectant nevertheless. Eliott doesn’t move an inch, but the pressure never lets up either, so Lucas pinches Eliott’s hoodie with two fingers, gripping it tightly, and then</p><p>"Have you ever known shame, Eliott?" </p><p>Eliott stills against him.</p><p>"I have.” He says with a hollow laugh. “God,I have." </p><p>Lucas hums. "I don't know how to make it go away." He confesses. “And I’m scared it will ruin me.”</p><p>Eliott doesn’t say anything else after that, and that’s the only answer Lucas needs.</p><p>He hasn't figured it out yet either. </p><p>Instead, the hand on his back flies back up to his hair. Lucas lets himself relax, lulled to sleep by the feeling of Eliott’s fingers running through his hair and drawing circles on his neck gently. </p><p>Eliott’s lips press to his shoulder, moving against the hoodie like a secret. They make a humming sound that vibrates all the way down to Lucas’ chest, and he wills himself to pay attention. The melody sounds familiar, soothing like Eliott’s voice only makes makes him feel.</p><p>A smile breaks across his face when he recognizes it.</p><p>“Fly me to the moon?”</p><p>He feels Eliott’s lips curl up against his neck. “Hmm.” He affirms. “Do you like it?”</p><p>“My mama used to sing it to me when I was little, because I had trouble falling asleep. She’d put my head in her lap and hum it until I fell asleep.”</p><p>Eliott makes a sound of sympathy before picking the melody back up. The hands go back to playing with his hair, and Lucas sighs, letting his eyes slip shut again. He thinks he feels a soft kiss pressed to his jaw, and a murmur of ‘sleep, baby’ just before he falls asleep.</p><p>He’ll be better, he promises himself. He’s gonna be better. For him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You are all I long for</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All I worship and adore</em>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>To: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>hey! i’m throwing a party for new year’s eve @ mine. no dress code needed, just something chill</em>
</p><p>
  <em>do you wanna come?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Haha, is Bas going? Because if he is I would hide your precious guitar collection somewhere safe. Nothing that involves Bas is *ever* chill</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>To: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>okay good point</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>But no, I don’t think I can sneak out actually… family stuff, you know?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Raincheck?</em>
</p><p>Lucas’ stomach drops. </p><p><em>sure haha, </em>he types with trembling fingers. <em>it’s fine :)</em></p><p>There’s no response after that.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>psa: this is sad season, i promise next one will be sexier.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. USA</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the one where Lucas and Eliott are very horny for each other.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: mentions of mental health issues and anxiety attacks.</p><p>other than that, enjoy the sex fest! dedicated to those who need it the most.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>USA (America), Winter 2019</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>From: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Do you think it’s cold in New York in January?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>To: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>i really hope you’re kidding</em>
</p><p>
  <em>eliott for the love of god you better pack up hoodies because i’m not sharing</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Liar.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can’t wait to spend three months with you</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>To: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>annoying me* you mean</em>
</p><p>
  <em>...but me neither &lt;3</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>From: Eliott</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Happy tour kickoff! </em>
</p><p>
  <em>&lt;3</em>
</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>San Diego is where it starts.</p><p>Well, no. That’s a lie. It’s actually Los Angeles. </p><p>LA is where the bus is waiting for them at the airport. LA is where a small crowd of fans gather around the exit to welcome them, and there’s not many of them, so they indulge for a few minutes. LA is posing for pictures, and LA is warmth, and Eliott squinting at him before taking off his thick cotton hoodie.</p><p>In LA Eliott throws the hoodie at Lucas jokingly, and <em>Lucas, you told me to pack up for the cold!,</em> and Lucas’ face flushes red when everyone else watches the exchange with googly eyes. </p><p>If Lucas thinks really hard about it, though, he’d tell you it started in neither of those places, but rather almost a year ago, in a shitty Paris rehearsing room with shitty lighting and a shitty sound, and Eliott’s smile reflected in the eyes of everyone in that room. </p><p>So technically, San Diego is only the beginning of something Lucas can’t quite put into words.</p><p>“Have you seen Eliott?” </p><p>Lucas frowns, taking off one of his earbuds hesitantly. “No? Should I have?”</p><p>“Considering it’s 30 minutes until showtime, I’d say yes, probably.” Arthur answers in a deadpan voice.</p><p>“Well, still no.” Lucas shrugs, tucking his drumsticks into the back pocket of his jeans. He cranes his neck in search for a mop of wild hair amongst the crowd of people backstage, but comes blank. Weird. “Have you tried asking the rest of the guys?”</p><p>Arthur gives him a funny look. “Why would I? The dude only hangs out around you like an overexcited puppy. It’s cute, really.”</p><p>“That’s not-”</p><p>Yann uses that moment to pop his head from behind a door. His hand grips the threshold tightly, the look on his face daunting enough to make concern grow in Lucas’ stomach. </p><p>“Guys, we have a little problem back here.” Yann cuts in, looking anxiously between the two of them. “It’s Eliott.”</p><p>Lucas runs so fast he doesn’t register the drumsticks falling from his pocket.</p><p>Eliott is sitting at the far end of the room with his head between his legs when Lucas reaches him, but other than that, he looks fine. All in one piece. Lucas lingers at the door for a second in an attempt to catch his breath, his chest heaving up and down from something that has little to do with the sprint he just ran. </p><p>He approaches Eliott carefully, his heart in his hands and the sound of quiet steps filling the room, joining the ragged breaths coming from the boy in front of him. </p><p>“Eliott?” He asks quietly, crouching down to Eliott’s level. </p><p>Eliott’s head shoots up at his voice. His eyes are blank before they fall on Lucas, a grey so dull that reminds Lucas of their kitchen in Italy, and he has to clench his jaw to stop himself from bringing his hands up to cup Eliott’s face. Once he registers Lucas in front of him his eyes get a different glint, nothing like what Lucas’ used to, but less suffocating than the stormy grey from before, so Lucas counts it as a win.</p><p>His mouth curls into a wobbly smile that Lucas eagerly reciprocates.</p><p>“Hey.” Eliott wheezes. His smile turns sheepish, a dust of pink washing over his skin high on his cheekbones. “I’m a little nervous.”</p><p>“Yeah, no shit.” Lucas breathes when he catches sight of Eliott’s hands clasped tightly between his thighs. “You’re shaking.”</p><p>“I’m just- having some trouble breathing.” Eliott mutters, tapping his feet restlessly against the marble floor. </p><p>Lucas curses under his breath. He hasn’t done this in fucking forever, he knows, and the knowledge scratches at the back of his brain uncomfortably. His veins burn with adrenaline, a flare of protectiveness for Eliott guiding his every move, and he can only hope that his devotion for him is enough to make this work.</p><p>He lowers himself until his knees hit the floor, swallowing back a gasp when he feels the cold through the rips of his jeans. His hands are clammy with sweat, and he wipes them on his thighs before placing a tentative hand on Eliott’s forearm. </p><p>“Can I?” He asks. Eliott nods.  </p><p>Lucas exhales through his mouth, a loud breath that tones down the buzzing in his ears. Slowly, he extricates Eliott’s hand from between his legs. </p><p>He runs the pads of his fingers down Eliott’s forearm, brushing over his wrist, wrapping his hand around Eliott’s. His thumb digs into Eliott’s palm, fingers falling in the slots between Eliott’s as he guides their hands to his collarbones.</p><p>“Close your eyes.” Lucas whispers when Eliott’s palm rests over his clavicle, fingers brushing his neck. “And count my heartbeat out loud.”</p><p>Eliott’s fingers twitch at the sides. “Fuck, Lu, but it’s going really fucking fast.” He whispers back. There’s some humor in his voice despite the shakiness, and it makes the ends of Lucas' mouth curl up. “I don’t know if I can keep up.”</p><p>“Don’t be an asshole.” Lucas murmurs, pressing Eliott’s hand against his chest decisively. “Just trust me.”</p><p>“I trust you.”</p><p>Lucas can feel Eliott relaxing in the way the tension lifts off his arm after a while. In the way his hand rests more comfortably against his chest, more by choice, and less because Lucas put it there. He feels it when the the lightness comes back to Eliott’s voice, around the number 27, and by then they’re looking at each other with wide eyes.</p><p><em>There you go, </em>Lucas murmurs, and Eliott smiles shakily. <em>You’re doing so well,</em> and Eliott’s other hand comes to join the one on Lucas chest, his thumb brushing behind Lucas’ ear.</p><p><em>You’re my best friend, </em>Eliott says, rubbing circles on Lucas’ skin, and Lucas wills his heart to not give anything away. He thinks it does, anyway, with the small smile that curls up in Eliott’s face a second later. He’ll worry later.</p><p>“Better?” Lucas asks an eternity later, when the color returns to Eliott’s face and it doesn’t feel like he’s gonna make it worse by opening his mouth.</p><p>Eliott nods. “I don’t really do well with new situations.” He grimaces. “As you’ve witnessed. So has half of our crew.”</p><p>“Stop worrying about everyone else.” Lucas says. “First time jitters are normal.”</p><p>“Very kind of you to refer to a mental breakdown as ‘jitters’, though.” </p><p>Lucas is ready to fire back when he catches Eliott’s expression. It’s the softness in Eliott’s eyes that stop him. The tilt of his chin, and the raised corner of his mouth with a silent thank you hanging off it. The thumb pressing into his neck, still a bit anxiously.</p><p>So he closes his mouth, and nods.</p><p>A person in a full suit enters the room some time later. He’s got one of those black earpieces and a pair of raybans peeking from the pocket of his shirt. Lucas moves away when he hears the footsteps, far from Eliott’s touch, and his throat burns at the bottom of his stomach when he realizes what he did.</p><p>Because he didn’t mean to. Not with Eliott. Fuck his instincts. </p><p>“Is he gonna be able to play?” the man asks, and Eliott’s face falls at the question. </p><p>Lucas bristles.</p><p>“You know, <em>he</em> is right here.” He snaps. “I think he’s qualified enough to answer for himself.”</p><p>The guy rolls his eyes. Lucas decides he hates him already. “Well, are you?”</p><p>Eliott shoots Lucas a thankful smile before turning towards to the man. “Yeah, I’m fine.”</p><p>“Good. Now move out of here, you’ve got ten minutes to get ready.”</p><p>Definitely hates him.</p><p>The guys are waiting for them outside of the lounge room. Basile doesn’t waste time before throwing his arms around Eliott, screaming something along the lines of <em>Brooooo! Bro, I’m so happy you’re okay, come here!</em>, and Eliott laughs loudly. So does Lucas, who can’t keep his grin out of his face as he watches Bas mother over Eliott, finding amusement in the exasperated expression in Eliott’s face as he lets Bas worry some more. </p><p>His laughter fades when he catches Yann’s concern eyes behind Eliott for a split second. <em>Okay?</em> The raised eyebrow asks. </p><p>Lucas nods. <em>Okay</em>.</p><p>They’re okay.</p><p>5 minutes until showtime, Lucas sees a shade fall over his shoes. </p><p>“Help me tie this.” Eliott asks.</p><p>Lucas looks up from the stage monitor that he’s trying to tie around his waist. He knows there’s people who take care of this, okay? He <em>knows, </em>but he <em>really </em>had to pee. And touched something he shouldn’t have in the process, obviously, if the hanging box is anything to go by. </p><p>Eliott is looking at him with amusement, a red bandana hanging from his hands.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah.” Lucas grumbles, taking the bandana from Eliott’s hands. He lifts up on his feet to tie the silk fabric around Eliott’s forehead, stuttering out a breath when he feels Eliott’s hands steadying him by the hips. Fumbling fingers reach behind Eliott’s head, and he ties it wordlessly, ignoring Eliott’s eyes on him, before leaning back. “Good?”</p><p>Eliott hums, but his hands don’t leave Lucas hips. </p><p>Until they do. </p><p>Lucas’ hand is suddenly pressing against Eliott’s chest, trapped under Eliott’s hands. He feels Eliott’s thrumming heart beneath his palm, beating hard and fast against his chest. “You can keep my secret now.” Eliott whispers. “Take care of it.”</p><p>And then he’s pulling back, leaving Lucas there with a tingling sensation inside of his underwear, rigged breaths falling from his parted lips, and the fucking monitor still hanging off his side pathetically. </p><p>2 minutes until showtime, Lucas hears a shout from the other side of the room.</p><p>“Hey Lu!”</p><p>Lucas looks up, finding Eliott grinning at him with a black guitar strapped to his shoulder.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“If I get too nervous again, can I hold your hand?”</p><p>He flips Eliott off.</p><p>Eliott cackles all the way to the stage, and Lucas has to hide his grin behind his hand. </p><p>He won’t give him the satisfaction.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Eliott makes fun of him when the guys tell him they’re not allowed to leave the hotel after 10pm because last time Lucas almost slipped off a ledge trying to do a handstand with only his shorts on. He complains that it’s his fault they can’t explore the city during magic hour, whatever the fuck he means by that.</p><p>“The magic hour.” Lucas parrots. “The magic hour?”</p><p>Eliott shoots him an offended look before going off for ten minutes about the quietness in the roads, and that one lone kitchen light turned on in a six floors building, and the mysteries of the universe, and<em> isn’t it fascinating? Just, the aesthetic of it all, you know? </em></p><p>So basically, Eliott is a pretentious fucker, and Eliott is also a little bit drunk.</p><p>Lucas rolls his eyes, hiding his fond smirk behind the neck of his beer bottle. Pretentious fuckers are cuter when they’re drunk, he thinks. Or maybe that’s just Eliott. It’s probably just Eliott. </p><p>And he’s probably a little bit drunk, too.</p><p>“Well.” Arthur interrupts Eliott’s rant, clapping his hands together. Eliott gets a dejected look on his face at being cut off that makes Lucas want to kick Arthur. “As world-changing as this conversation is, I’m drained. So I think I’m off to bed.”</p><p>Murmurs of <em>same, </em>and<em> me too</em> arise, followed by chairs scraping at the floor. Yann slaps his back and Bas lifts his hand for a high five that he burgundy returns, because their first concert in almost two years went fucking amazing, and the guy deserves it once in a while.</p><p>“You’re going to bed too?” Eliott asks from the other side of the table, shaking Yann’s hand abstently. He looks at Lucas with a daring expression.</p><p>“Nah.” Lucas replies. “I’m not tired.”</p><p>Eliott grins, and his grin lights up the fairly dim hotel bar. “Awesome.”</p><p>They end up finishing a bottle of champagne by themselves. </p><p>“Why did you rope me into this?” Lucas moans into Eliott’s shoulder as they drag themselves out of the elevator an hour later. “And how are you still so coordinate? We drank nearly the same amount. I hate you.”</p><p>Eliott snorts, digging his hotel room key out of his back pocket. Lucas feels inclined to offer his help. “It’s because you’re a fucking lightweight.” And then, as an afterthought, “and you don’t hate me.”</p><p>“<em>You’re</em> a lightweight. And I do hate you.” Lucas fires back. Eliott can dig the key out himself. “Dick.”</p><p>“You do?” Eliott grins, his back resting against the door with his arms crossed over his chest.</p><p>Lucas spreads his arms as far as they can go. “This much.”</p><p>“Well, I hate you this much, too.” Eliott answers, mirroring Lucas’ pose.</p><p>“Amateur.” Lucas huffs, although the twitch at the corner of his mouth betrays him. He spreads his arms wider, fingers wiggling at the ends, feeling the stretch on his back. “I hate you more.</p><p>“Oh yeah?” </p><p>“Yes- wait, <em>no</em>!” Lucas squeals in horror when Eliott throws him over his shoulder. “No, no, no, no. Put me down, asshole!”</p><p>Eliott only snickers, adjusting his grip across Lucas’ middle and over the back of his knees. His stomach digs into Eliott’s shoulder, and he grips the back of Eliott’s t-shirt for dear life as Eliott walks them inside his hotel room.</p><p>“I swear to God, if you drop me,”</p><p>“I wouldn’t dare. You’re precious cargo.”</p><p>“I’m going to fucking kill you.” Lucas threatens, yelping when Eliott shakes him. He slaps his hand between Eliott’s shoulder blades. “You’re dead. You’re so dead.”</p><p>Just like he grabbed him, Eliott drops him in the middle of the bed without a warning. Lucas bounces on the soft mattress, letting out a startled shout that Eliott giggles at, and he gives him a grimm look, showing him the middle finger.</p><p>“I really, really don’t like you right now.”</p><p>Eliott chuckles. “So I’ve heard.”</p><p>Lucas falls back against the mattress, head pillowed under his arm calmly as Eliott rummages under the bed. There’s the sound of a zipper, and then complete darkness covers his vision.</p><p>“Here.” Eliott says, throwing him a pair of sweatpants.</p><p>Under closer inspection, Lucas discovers it’s the ones he always steals when he crashes at Eliott’s. He hides his smile under the fabric before ripping it off his face. “What’s this for?”</p><p>Eliott frowns, looking Lucas up and down. “Are you gonna sleep in your jeans?”</p><p>Lucas clumsily crawls towards Eliott, scrambling up to his knees with a teasing smirk. “So you’re assuming I’m crashing at yours tonight, Mr. Demaury? How forward of you.” He bites back a smile when he notices Eliott staring at the patch of skin showing where his shirt has ridden up. “I’ll have you know I’m nothing like one of your groupies. I’m high maintenance.”</p><p>“Cute that you think I don’t know that already.” Eliott mumbles, still caught up looking at him.</p><p>Lucas’ eyes glint under the artificial light, skin lit up on fire under Eliott’s attention. Slowly, he pinches the ridden-up fabric between his fingers to pull it down, enjoying the way Eliott’s eyes snap back to his face dazedly when there’s no more skin to look at. </p><p>He’s starting to get the hang of things, if he says so himself. It’s an exhilarating thought.</p><p>“Alright, you’ve got a point.” Lucas concedes, hands already flying down to play with the button of his jeans. He gives Eliott a pointed look. “ Don’t look though.” </p><p>Eliott huffs but nods with a small smile. “Okay, you don’t look either then.” </p><p>Lucas makes a quick work of unbuttoning his jeans, pushing himself up on the mattress with his shoulders to wriggle out of them. From the corner of his eye he can’t help but steal a few glances at the back of Eliott’s bare legs. The elastic band of his underwear hug his thighs, jet black against a pale tan that shouldn’t look as arousing as it does, but Lucas is drunk, so he thinks he deserves a pass on this one.</p><p>“Did you look?” Asks Lucas when Eliott turns around. Because he needs to know for sure; that he isn’t the only one, that Eliott wants this just as much, or at least to some extent. That he’s not going mad. </p><p>“A little.” Eliott confesses, pinching his fingers together until they’re almost touching.</p><p>Lucas beams proudly. “Me too.”</p><p>They stare at each other for a second before breaking into a fit of giggles. </p><p>Eliott wants him too. Eliott looks too, just as much as Lucas does. Eliott is looking back. The thoughts consume his insides, making him giddy, high off the want in Eliott’s eyes, higher than he ever was when he smoked weed at Eliott’s place. All cards are set on the table, finally, and a part of Lucas saw this coming, from the moment they stepped into overseas land, maybe even before. But the bigger, more eager part of him can’t see past Eliott’s confession.</p><p>God, he looked back. And it makes him wonder, if he’d ever looked back before, at least once. Only he just had missed it.</p><p>Lucas can’t keep the beaming smile off his face. Doesn’t even try fighting it this time.</p><p>Eliott joins him on the bed, and they scoot over until their backs hit the headboard. Eliott’s legs seem to never end spread out like this on the bed. Lucas sits with his legs flat on the mattress, wiggling his feet in an attempt to reach Eliott’s ankles, smiling when Eliott pulls his legs up a little to match him.</p><p>“Have you ever played two truths one lie?” Eliott says out of nowhere at one point.</p><p>“At a party or two.” Lucas responds. “When I was <em>16</em>.”</p><p>Eliott snorts. “Sorry, forgot how touchy 17 year olds are about their tough reputation.”</p><p>“Will today be the day when we’re featured in the crime section of news?” Lucas looks at Eliott sweetly, flashing him a tight-lipped smile. “Because you’re playing a dangerous game tonight, buddy.”</p><p>“I bet the handcuffs would look good on you, though.”</p><p>The comments catches Lucas off guard, and he feels his cheeks flare up. “Let’s just play your stupid game.” </p><p>Eliott’s face lights up with a winning smile curling up at his lips. </p><p>It’s fine, it doesn’t even feel like much of a loss. The image in his brain definitely doesn’t. He stores the thought for another time, preferably when there’s less clothes involved, and his cheeks are flushed for a completely different reason.</p><p>“I’ll start.” Eliott says. “I have a little sister, I… don’t wanna get married, and,” He pauses, lifting a finger up to his temple as if that’ll make him think better. Lucas doesn’t have the heart to tell him not to bother, he’s known the answer straight away. “And I’m a vegetarian.”</p><p>“Are you kidding me?” Lucas raises an unimpressed eyebrow. “You don’t have a sister, next question. Did you seriously think I wouldn’t know?”</p><p>“Well, maybe! If you didn’t pay enough attention!” Eliott throws his hands up, as if to say, <em>listen to me, this is a possibility!</em> As if Lucas would never not give him his undivided attention at all times. “And it’s your turn.”</p><p>“Oh, uhm.” Lucas furrows his brows in concentration, but loses all composure when Eliott starts tapping his fingers rhythmically on in the empty space between their bodies. They’re too close, Eliott’s long fingers, yet not close enough. He gives up after a minute, throwing his head back with a groan. “Fuck, Eliott, I can’t even come up with one. Let alone three.”</p><p>A thoughtful look settles over Eliott’s features, and Lucas watches mesmerized as the pensive expression turns into pure excitement. “Oh, I know. We’ll do something different. I say something, and you have to guess if I’m telling the truth or not, and then the other way around. Good?”</p><p>“Let’s do it.”</p><p>So it starts.</p><p>“Truth. I’m actually left handed.” Eliott starts, because he’s a dork, and he really underestimates Lucas.</p><p>“Bullshit. I’ve seen you beat Bas at Just Dance, the controller was on your right wrist.” Lucas answers without missing a beat. Eliott nods, impressed, and Lucas tries not to brag. “Truth. I had a dog growing up.”</p><p>Eliott tilts his head to the side before answering with a careful “Truth?”</p><p>“False, sadly. My mama didn’t like scary noises growing up, and dogs bark, so…No dogs for me.”</p><p>“I’ll get you one for your birthday.” Eliott promises, grinning. And then, “truth, my favorite color is yellow.”</p><p>“Truth.”</p><p>“Nope, blue. Better luck next time.”</p><p>“Oh, calm down. Truth, I keep my phone beside my pillow when I sleep.”</p><p>“Of course you do. Truth, the first time my mama let someone stay over she gave me a full box of condoms just in case.”</p><p>“Poor baby Eliott, must’ve been traumatized. Truth, my uncle-”</p><p>Lucas isn’t aware of the minutes turning on the alarm clock next to the bed as the night drags on. They play until their voices turn hoarse. Until the buzzing from the alcohol turns into a warm tingling sensation inside their ears and at their necks, a feeling almost like coming up for air after being too long underwater, and they don’t even think about turning off the light, the thrill of getting to know each other keeping the sleep away.</p><p>It’s said in whispers, a quiet admission after a round of laughter that doesn’t fit the situation at first glance. Only that maybe it does, because maybe this was the whole point, from the very beginning. </p><p>Eliott opens his mouth, and Lucas’ breath catches.</p><p>“Truth. I’m bipolar.”</p><p>The words sober Lucas up like a slap in the face. He reaches for Eliott’s arm, who looks at him with a dark shade falling over his eyes. Fear. </p><p>He taps on Eliott’s arm once. Twice. Says back just as quietly. “Truth.”</p><p>Eliott nods jerkily, opens his mouth, to explain, Lucas presumes, but Lucas cuts him off. </p><p>“You don’t have to explain it. We don’t explain the truths, it’s part of the rules.” Because he doesn’t, and Lucas wants him to know. In case no one ever gave him the choice before. “You can, though. I’ll listen."</p><p>Eliott stares, a bemused little smile on his face, and Lucas thinks he’s gonna explain when he opens his mouth, but what comes out next is,</p><p>“Part of the rules? You make the rules now?”</p><p>Lucas barks out a loud laugh. Louder than anything that’s been going on in the room for a few hours, loud enough that it startles the both of them.</p><p>“Fuck yes I do. Been making them since the very beginning, didn’t you know?” He jokes, elbowing Eliott’s side. Eliott nudges him back. “Anyway. Truth, I broke my arm trying to climb a tree in Yann’s backyard when I was 13."</p><p>Just like that, the tension is broken. </p><p>Eliott’s lips are pursed when he snorts. “Sounds like you, so truth.”</p><p>“No. I was 12.” </p><p>“Oh, but that’s not fair!”</p><p>Lucas shrugs, satisfied with himself, keeping to himself a joke about it being his game, his rules, but Eliott catches it anyway, because he only rolls his eyes amusedly before moving on. </p><p>It’s fun, letting go like this. Getting to know someone this way. Until, until, until. Until a thought crosses Lucas’ mind, and he can’t shake it off without saying it out loud. </p><p>The admission sits heavy on his tongue. It makes his heart race and sweat pool at the crease under his bottom lip. It’s ridiculous, how nervous he is. How much his voice shakes at an admission that’s been long coming. A confession that doesn’t hold any meaning, not between these four walls at least, because Eliott only had to take one good look at him to know. Yet.</p><p>Yet his hands shake, and he holds his breath when he says it.</p><p>“Truth. I like boys.”</p><p>A pause.</p><p>The world doesn’t end. There aren’t broken vases or screams of anguish. Just his heart, beating loudly in his ears, and the sound of calm breathing coming from the person sitting next to him. The world keeps spinning, and nothing changes, except for an inebriting feeling that grows inside of him that tastes like relief.</p><p>Eliott is already looking back when Lucas turns his head. His eyes shine brightly, brighter than Lucas’ ever seen them, a high contrast from the small smile sitting on his lips. Eliott turns on his side, and Lucas mirrors him, smiling down at their legs as they bump together. </p><p>Eliott’s hand trails up the mattress, their fingers brushing together when he whispers, “Truth. You wanna kiss me.” </p><p>Lucas lets their fingers lace, heart still beating in his throat. “That’s not how the game works.” He says, just as quietly.</p><p>Eliott huffs, throwing his head back before leveling Lucas with a stare that has every fine hair in his body standing up. And Lucas knows that look. It’s a look that says, <em>don’t, because I’m still a little drunk, and so are you, and we probably shouldn’t</em>. But also <em>yes, because I’ve been staring at your lips all damn night, and I know you have too, and I really fucking need to hear it right now.</em></p><p>So instead of answering, he does this:</p><p>Instead of answering, Lucas cups Eliott’s cheek with his free hand. Instead of answering, he brushes his thumb under Eliott’s eye, inching impossibly closer to him, and this time he knows nothing will make him pull away. This time he feels Eliott’s eyes close, his eyelashes fluttering against his own cheek. So he closes his eyes as well, letting Eliott’s scent envelop him wholly, and presses his lips to Eliott’s cheek.</p><p>His lips linger, the feel of Eliott’s skin under his mouth enough to make him want to stay there for the rest of the night, the weekend, his life. It’s soft where he’s kissing, a little rough at his bottom lip that Eliott hasn’t had the chance to shave off, and Lucas already knows he’ll never get enough of this.</p><p>“We shouldn’t have drank so much.” Eliott groans when Lucas pulls back. He doesn’t let go of Lucas’ hand. </p><p>“I told you.” Lucas squeezes Eliott’s hand to soften the blow, looking at Eliott with a hopeful expression. “Next time?”</p><p>“Next time.”</p><p>They continue playing the game until they pass out, right in the middle of Eliott’s bed. Their hands stay locked between their bodies, and they may know each other’s secrets now, but that’s okay. They’ll keep each other safe. Lucas knows they will. </p><p>If everything else turns to dust, at least they’ll have this.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It’s drizzling slightly the night they leave San Diego. By the time they get to Phoenix, the rain has stopped and the sky has a blanket of pale reds, greens and purples over it.</p><p>In Phoenix Yann makes a joke about fire and the crowd eats it up. In Phoenix a big music company in the shape of a pretty girl with big glasses and black stilettos invites them to a launch party, and they say yes.</p><p>It’s in Phoenix where a man in a red jacket offers Eliott a glass of rum that Eliott politely declines, placing the drink on the counter before asking for a water refill, piercing grey eyes boring a hole in Lucas’ face.</p><p>And it’s in Phoenix, when Lucas knows.</p><p>They look somewhat out of place here, Lucas thinks. Just five, barely out of their teen years guys, wearing washed-out jeans and dress shirts that Lucas is pretty certain he had seen Arthur wear during their graduation ceremony in high school. Eliott had even been wearing the hood of his jacket up until the pointed looks from the rest of the guys had become unbearable, so he had pulled it down reluctantly at the door. Still, there’s smiles directed their way, plenty of them. As many as the free drinks that seem to fly over their heads.</p><p>“I think I’m staying sober tonight, but thanks.” Eliott shakes his head at yet another drink presented in front of him. His eyes shine brightly in the neon lights, hungry stare looking Lucas up and down.</p><p>Lucas tilts his chin up in a small nod, tongue caught between his teeth as he lets a side smile settle over his features.</p><p>“So am I.” He confirms, raising a daring eyebrow at Eliott.</p><p>Eliott’s knowing smirk heats the back of his neck. It’s lustful as much as it’s childish. Happiness encapsulated in the shape of a smile and the glint of an eye, exciting and alluring, playful, and everything Lucas’ ever desired to see in someone’s eyes directed at him. Eliott’s stares are enough to get him drunk.</p><p>A while later, they lose the guys in the crowd. Basile sees a girl glancing at him from the backyard - or so he says - and he stumbles over his own feet running after her. Arthur and Yann fall right behind, and Lucas can hear his best friend’s cackles over the loud music as Bas almost slips on the glass backdoor. </p><p>Him and Eliott stand back though, leaning against a wall in a far corner of the room with their water bottles pressed to their chests. </p><p>“You look hot tonight.” Eliott says, looking at him through hooded eyes. </p><p>Lucas snorts mid-sip. Water flies everywhere, dribbling down his chin, on his hand and down his shirt cuffs. It takes him a second to regroup, and by then he can already feel the blood heating up the inside of his mouth.</p><p>“Where did your finesse go?” He finally asks, voice strangled. </p><p>Eliott shrugs playfully, looking at Lucas with a proud little smile.</p><p>“I left it inside a drawer in San Diego.”</p><p>Jesus Christ, this boy. He’s looking at Lucas with expectancy, his teeth peeking out from his lips where they’re curled up in a questioning smile, his arms crossed across his chest and back arching off the wall. There’s a certain urgency in his stare that it took Lucas months to find, but it’s there nevertheless, so intense that Lucas has to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from jumping him.</p><p>It’s the butterflies in his belly that pull him towards Eliott until he’s standing in front of him. Their feet knock together, Eliott’s black boots against Lucas’ worn out converse, chests only one thumb apart. If Lucas really wanted to, he could press them together with one deep breath.</p><p>Instead, he stays where he is, hands fisting at the lapels of Eliott’s leather jacket, and says “Is this how you get the boy, Demaury?”</p><p>There’s a moment where Eliott looks at him with his mouth parted. His eyes are clouded with lust, features twinkling under the lights, and Lucas thinks he’s gonna kiss him there, but then-</p><p>“Did you turn into Taylor Swift while I wasn’t looking, Lallemant?”</p><p>“Oh, shut up.” Lucas laughs lightly, rolling his eyes. His grip on Eliott’s jacket tightens, and he pulls him closer until their noses almost touch.</p><p>The water bottle falls from between Eliott’s hands, bouncing against the floor loudly. Lucas pays no mind to it, eyes fluttering closed when he feels cold fingers pulling up the front of his shirt and brushing against his navel.</p><p>“I fucking knew it!” Eliott hisses, but he’s smiling as big as Lucas. The words are whispered between them in hot breaths, Eliott’s heat warming up Lucas’ mouth. “I knew no one can objectively be this perfect. Are you gonna write songs about me after tonight then?” His voice drops lower, and Lucas shivers. “Sing about the way my undershirt looks on the dancefloor and how I broke your heart after one kiss?”</p><p>Eliott’s hot breath on his face is dizzying. Lucas pulls him close, closer, until there’s no space left, not one hair that could fit between them, so close that Lucas stumbles a bit from the force of his grip. Eliott keeps him upright, hands pressed flat on his back steadying him.</p><p>“Getting a bit ahead of ourselves, aren’t we?” He murmurs, smoothing his palms up Eliott’s chest. They fall empty, the words that come out of his mouth, pleads of<em> please don’t, because you have power to ruin me for everyone else</em>, hanging off his lips. </p><p>“Vanity isn’t a good look on you.” He jokes, when in reality he wants to say, <em>tell me it’s not just that a kiss, promise me there’ll be more than a kiss.</em></p><p>But he doesn’t say those things, and Eliott doesn’t ask for more, either. Instead, he laughs. He laughs, and smiles, and nudges Lucas playfully before pulling him back in his arms. His laugh is louder than the music, eyes brighter than the full moon, Eliott lights up the entire room with his entire presence, and it’s enough to rip delirious smiles out of Lucas. </p><p>He’s feeling light-headed, completely done for, when suddenly Eliott takes a step back. His front freezes over without Eliott’s touch, and he watches confusedly as Eliott’s fingers curl around his wrist.</p><p>“Hey, come with me.” Eliott says, and Lucas stumbles over himself to follow him.</p><p>“Where are we going?” Lucas asks as Eliott drags them through masses of dancing bodies, and Eliott winks at him over his shoulder.</p><p>Lucas wants to kiss him when Eliott’s hand tightens in his after someone bumps into him on the way out. He wants to kiss him, when the moon shines on the water of the pool in the backyard, against Eliott’s profile and washing down the bridge of his nose. He wants to kiss Eliott, when Eliott walks them towards the back of the house and shows him the metallic stairs that lead to the roof.</p><p>He thinks he’s gonna kiss him, when Eliott says, “I noticed them when I got here” and, “I’ve been trying to get you alone all fucking night, and if you aren’t gonna make your move, I will.”</p><p>But he only laughs, says “but I tried, and you just went off on a tangent about Taylor Swift” in a whiny voice that has Eliott pressing a kiss to his cheek before they start climbing up the ladder.</p><p>“Do you think we’re allowed up here?” Lucas asks halfway, and Eliott laughs loudly, saying “does it matter?”</p><p>Lucas smiles hard, climbing another step up. “No, no it doesn’t.”</p><p>A clear sky welcomes them when they reach the roof. It seems to stretch on forever, pitch black over the tall buildings and blending the sharp edges of the mountains in the horizon. The moon looms between two mountains, high on the sky, and fuller than Lucas’ ever seen it. </p><p>The darkness dusts their faces with shadows, but Eliott’s smile stays as bright as always.</p><p>“Wow.” Lucas breathes out. The words come out in a white fog, his breaths freezing over in the biting cold.</p><p>He feels arms curling around his middle, a chin hooked on his shoulder as Eliott rubs his arms up and down to warm him up. It makes Lucas smile. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”</p><p>Lucas nods against Eliott’s hold. “So fucking beautiful.” He exhales. “I love it, Eliott.”</p><p>The arms around his waist tighten, and then there’s freezing lips on his jaw. Kissing down his neck. One kiss behind his ear. On his cheek. And again, and again. The sound of Eliott’s lips against his skin is almost deafening in the dead of the night, touches so tender that feel like the only thing left on Earth in that moment.</p><p>A flush grows inside his chest, the red traveling up to his neck, warming his face up when he feels Eliott’s teeth nibbling at his throat.</p><p>“Fuck.” Lucas’ eyes close. He untangles Eliott’s hands from around his waist, guiding them blindly to the front of his jeans. “Fuck, Eliott.”</p><p>“Lucas…” Eliott whispers, and each letter is like a touch traveling up his spine.</p><p>The city is reflected in Eliott’s eyes when Lucas turns around in his arms. Bright yellows from the city lights, a fragment of the sky flying down to Eliott’s eyes. There’s a flash, and Lucas swears he sees himself reflected in them.</p><p>“Kiss me.” He begs. His arms wrap around Eliott’s neck, his hands bury in Eliott’s hair. “Please, kiss me.”</p><p>Eliott’s free hand stays on the small of his back when he goes to cup Lucas’ cheek. Lucas’ lips tingle with anticipation, breath stuttering when Eliott presses down to push their bodies flush together. He’s holding his breath when Eliott kisses him, and the second their lips brush together all the air leaves his lungs.</p><p>Eliott’s mouth is sweet against his. Their lips mold together, mouths sliding against each other wetly. Lucas’ toes curl in his sneakers when Eliott parts his mouth, tilting his head to one side to get a better grip on Lucas’ bottom lip. It rolls between Eliott’s teeth, and Lucas’ knees buckle as he feels Eliott sucking the color back on them. </p><p>Lucas’ heart sits on his tongue, and Eliott eagerly steals it with a brush of his own tongue against the roof of his mouth. </p><p>“Shit.” Lucas pants between kisses. There’s a trail of drool connecting their lips, and he licks it up, follows the trail like a pilgrim until he finds Eliott’s mouth at the end. Their tongues move together with slick sounds, the smell of rain and Eliott making him dizzy. “Shit.”</p><p>“You’re so beautiful.” Eliott licks under his bottom lip before sucking on it. Lucas wraps his arms around Eliott’s neck tightly, holding on as he traps one of Eliott’s legs between his. “I’ve been dying to do this all night.”</p><p>“Call a fucking cab, Eliott.” Lucas gasps, rolling his hips desperately against Eliott’s thigh as Eliott litters his neck with open-mouthed kisses. “Call a fucking cab, or I swear to God I’ll take your pants off on top of this fucking roof.”</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Eliott calls the cab.</p><p>Lucas reminds himself of a horny teenager with the way they can’t keep their hands off each other as they climb in the back. Which, in some way, he supposes is not far from the truth.</p><p>Their thighs are pressed together for the whole ride. Eliott’s hand runs up and down the rough fabric of Lucas’ jeans, playful fingers sneaking off to brush the inside of his thigh, and Lucas has to bite his hand to keep in the moan that’s bubbling up in his chest. He looks down at Eliott’s crotch, mouth watering at the obvious bulge he finds there.</p><p>Lucas finds Eliott’s eyes in the window reflection when their fingers bump on Lucas' leg, and they smile. Eliott doesn’t let go of his hand for the rest of the ride.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>They’re attached at the mouth the moment they go through Lucas’ hotel room door.</p><p>“Not throwing me over your shoulder like an animal?” Lucas jokes between urgent kisses. </p><p>Eliott groans against Lucas’ lips, licking into his mouth hungrily. “I will if you want me to.” He whispers, biting softly at Lucas’ jaw as his hands slip inside Lucas’ underwear and squeeze his ass.</p><p>Lucas grips Eliott’s jacket, letting his forehead fall against his shoulder with a loud moan on his tongue. </p><p>“Off, off.” Lucas whispers frantically as he pulls at Eliott’s jacket. “This has to come off.”</p><p>“Hmm, you’re right.” Eliott hums against his neck, and the vibrations send shivers down Lucas’ spine. “Too many clothes.”</p><p>Their jackets fall to the floor with a loud thud, but Lucas doesn’t hear anything past the rushing in his ears and Eliott’s heavy breathing as he walks them blindly towards the bed. A shoe goes first, and then another one, and another two, mouths attached together as they hop on one leg to get rid of their socks. </p><p>Lucas trips over one of Eliott’s boots, and Eliott laughs into his mouth before spinning them around. Lucas has one hand wrapped around Eliott’s neck, the other curled at his waist, and he’s completely tangled around Eliott’s body. It's only the hands digging into his sides that stop him from completely toppling over when the back of his knees hit the bed. </p><p>Eliott sits on his lap a moment later, legs on either side of Lucas and ass pressing down on Lucas’ erection. He nips at Lucas’ jaw, mouth wet and pink from all the kissing, and his eyes look almost black with want when he looks at Lucas.</p><p>“Is this okay?” Eliott asks, panting. His hands are flat across Lucas’ stomach, rubbing up and down in an attempt to lift up his shirt.</p><p>Instead of answering, Lucas grips Eliott by his hips and flips them over. Eliott’s back hits the mattress with the suddenness of the movement, and there’s awe in his eyes before Lucas dives back in to press an open-mouthed kiss to Eliott’s waiting lips. He rocks his hips down, feeling Eliott’s erection under his ass. </p><p>His hands are already working on the buttons of Eliott’s shirt when he breaks the kiss, panting heavily on top of him. Eliott’s hands grip the top of his thighs as he watches Lucas unbutton his shirt wordlessly. He’s got a hungry expression that makes Lucas squirm. The slightest twitch of Lucas’ hips makes the grip on his thighs tighten, so he rolls them painfully slowly as he pops open one button after the other, enjoying the way Eliott trembles under him.</p><p>“I should’ve known you would be a fucking tease even in bed.” Eliott groans as Lucas scratches a nail down his chest lightly.</p><p>Lucas grins wickedly, going to unbutton his own shirt. “Me, a tease?” He says, rubbing a hand up his chest, gasping when his thumb brushes his nipple. A bead of sweat rolls down the corner of his mouth, and he catches it with his tongue. “I’m not the one who left me with a boner multiple times in the past year, am I?”</p><p>Eliott curses under his breath. “You don’t know the half of it.” </p><p>“So tell me?”</p><p>Eliott sits up with Lucas on his lap, and then he’s flipping them over again. Lucas falls on the mattress with a gasp as Eliott rubs up his sides with rough hands. He spreads his legs for Eliott to fit between them, throwing his head back as their groins press together.</p><p>Eliott’s skin is warm under his hands. He glides his hands up and down Eliott’s smooth back, addicted to the way his fingers burn when he slides them across Eliott’s spine as Eliott leaves bruises under his jaw. Their hips roll together at a maddening pace, in a way that has Lucas’ eyes rolling back every time the thrust is intense enough to make his hardness catch on the waistband of his underwear.</p><p>“You don’t know,” Eliott rasps out, burying a hand in Lucas’ hair. He pulls on it, making Lucas’ head jerk up, scraping his teeth down Lucas’ exposed throat. “You have no idea what you do to me.” His tongue licks a long strip down the hollow between Lucas’ collarbones. “You don’t see what I see.”</p><p>A hand goes to undo Lucas’ jeans.</p><p>Lucas grips Eliott’s wrist urgently.</p><p>"Lucas?" </p><p>“I’ve never…” Lucas licks his lips. His heart jumps to his throat when all the possibilities dawn on him, and for the first time tonight his stomach flips with something that isn’t excitement. “I’ve just never… done this. Not like this.”</p><p>Lucas is scared to look at Eliott in the eye, but he finally does when he feels Eliott cupping his cheek. He finds Eliott staring down at him calmly. No nameless stranger, not a demon from his mind. Just Eliott.</p><p>It’s enough to ease the knot in his stomach.</p><p>“We can stop if you want.” Eliott whispers, and there’s tenderness in his eyes when he says it. “No pressure.”</p><p>“No!” Lucas exclaims, maybe a bit too eagerly, because Eliott’s eyes crinkle when he laughs. He lets a smile of his own curl up at the ends of his mouth. “No, I mean, I want to keep going. I think I’d die if we didn’t. Just, please,” he hates the way his voice goes small at the end, “please don’t hurt me.”</p><p>“I would never,”  Eliott’s words seem to be punched out of him. Breathless and surprised, Eliott looks at him, really looks at him, and says: “Lucas, I would never.”</p><p>And then he kisses him.</p><p>It’s the softest kiss they’ve shared. Eliott brushes his thumb under Lucas’ eye, taking Lucas’ lips between his, moving them together without any of the urgency that’s been present in their other kisses. </p><p>Lucas loses himself in it. Colors dance behind his eyelids, and there’s sugar in his mouth and in his lungs. Everything is sweet, from the way Eliott’s tongue brushes against his lower lip to the hand that caresses his side in gentle motions. His hands settle over Eliott’s shoulders, fingers following the line of Eliott’s muscles as they tense when he holds himself up on top of Lucas. </p><p>Lucas’ hips chase Eliott’s, back arching off the bed as Eliott makes him work for it.</p><p>“No more teasing.” Lucas mumbles between kisses. “Please, Eliott.”</p><p>Eliott grabs his face by the chin. His hair falls down his eyes, and his mouth is bitten red and shiny with spit. The image makes Lucas buckle up his hips again, and they both moan.</p><p>“Can I suck you off?” </p><p>Lucas’ breath catches against his ribcage. “You don’t-” He blubbers, but his nails dig on Eliott’s shoulders. The thought of Eliott’s lips wrapped around his dick is enough to send a wave of pleasure down his body. “You don’t have to. I know it’s not actually that pleasant for the other person. We can do other stuff.” He says, although he’s dying to see Eliott between his legs.</p><p>“Shut up.” Eliott whispers fiercely, pressing one hard kiss to Lucas’ red mouth. “Sometimes a guy just wants to suck his friend’s dick really bad, okay? Let me.”</p><p>Lucas swallows. He nods.</p><p>“Yeah, alright.”</p><p>His voice already sounds wrecked as Eliott lets his tongue drag down the expanse of his neck. His hands hold Lucas’ hips down on the bed, tongue flat against Lucas’ chest, drawing a wet trail down his stomach. Lucas reminds himself to breath as Eliott noses at his happy trail before sucking a bruise on his hip bone. Little by little, Eliott’s hands travel down to pull Lucas’ jeans and underwear down slowly, face buried in Lucas’ navel.</p><p>Lucas clenches his teeth when Eliott licks a stripe across his abdomen before blowing softly on it. </p><p>“Don’t hold yourself back.” Eliott says, and with that Lucas’ underwear is gone. “I want to hear you.”</p><p>Lucas makes the mistake of looking down. There’s a shiny trail of spit down his chest and long fingers covering his hip bones. Eliott’s head between his legs is almost a religious experience; his bitten-red mouth and messy hair make Lucas drape an arm over his eyes, and he moans loudly when he feels Eliott’s breath on his dick.</p><p>“Fuck, your body is sinful.” Lucas thinks he hears.</p><p>And then there’s wet heat wrapped around his dick.</p><p>“Oh, fuck.” Lucas wheezes. He fists at the sheets as Eliott bobs his head up and down. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”</p><p>Eliott hums around his dick, the vibrations sending waves of pleasure through Lucas’ body. Lucas’ thighs tremble when he feels Eliott’s tongue tracing the veins on his dick, his hand flying down to grab Eliott’s hair.</p><p>His hips buckle involuntarily as Eliott circles his head with the tip of his tongue, moaning out an apology when Eliott starts coughing, but Eliott cuts him off.</p><p>“Do it again.” Eliott croaks out. Lucas’ dick rests on his parted lips when he speaks. “Again.”</p><p>“Oh, Christ.” Lucas groans, rolling his hips experimentally, looking down at Eliott. Eliott coughs again before pulling back. He tries again, moaning around Lucas’ dick when it hits the back of his throat. “Oh, God.”</p><p>“Eliott, Eliott, Eliott.” Lucas whines as Eliott swallows him again and again. He pulls at Eliott’s hair, heart loud in his ears and back arching off the bed when Eliott’s tongue flickers at the head. “I’m close, I’m so close.”</p><p>It only takes a brush of Eliott’s fingers down his length coupled with his drool-smeared lips sucking on the tip of his dick, and Lucas is seeing white spots as he comes with a loud moan.</p><p>He can feel his heartbeat all the way down to his toes, pulsating behind his eyes and popping his ears. He’s breathing heavily when Eliott climbs back up on the bed, all of his muscles turned to jelly as Eliott settles next to him, hugging him to his chest.</p><p>Lucas goes, hiding his face in Eliott’s neck. “I wanna do you too.” He lets out. “Let me do you too.”</p><p>“You don’t have to,” Eliott promises, but groans when Lucas’ knee brushes against his hard-on.</p><p>“Oh, shut up.” Lucas murmurs. “Sometimes a guy just wants to give his friend a good orgasm, okay? Just tell me how you want it.”</p><p>Without saying a word, Eliott takes Lucas’ hand resting on his chest. He guides it to Lucas’ stomach, and Lucas frowns, confused, until he feels some stickiness coating the pads of his fingers.</p><p>“Like this,” Eliott whispers, smearing Lucas’ fingers with his own come. “I want it exactly like this.”</p><p>Lucas reaches down to take Eliott in his hand. He’s heavy against Lucas’ hand, warm and smooth as Lucas slicks him with his fingers carefully. Eliott’s arm twitches under Lucas’ head, the hand at his shoulder scratching slightly with every flick of Lucas’ wrist.</p><p>That’s how Eliott comes. With Lucas’ leg thrown over his body, their mouths moving languidly in the heat of the room, Lucas’ tongue swallowing Eliott’s heavy panting and his fingers moving up and down Eliott’s dick.</p><p>“Good?” </p><p>Lucas wipes his hand on the sheets. He’s not planning on sleeping on that side of the bed any time soon.</p><p>“Good.” He whispers, pressing a kiss to the middle of Eliott’s chest before passing out.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The next morning the come stain is untouched.</p><p>Lucas wakes up to fingers tracing the pillow creases on his cheek and a leg draped across his hip. He smiles.</p><p>“Good morning.” Eliott whispers quietly, playing with the shorts hair in the back of Lucas’ neck. “You look hot when you sleep.”</p><p>Lucas groans, burying his blush on the pillow. “It’s too early for this, stop.”</p><p>Eliott laughs, pulling him closer. “It’s noon?”</p><p>“Yes, so?” Lucas asks back, but he doesn’t fight Eliott’s hold. He lets himself be pulled against Eliott’s chest, resting his hand on Eliott’s neck. Opens his eyes. “Also, good morning.”</p><p>Lucas isn’t prepared for the glow radiating off Eliott in the morning. He looks beautiful with the white sheet covering his body from the waist down. His skin is golden under the midday sun coming from the window, mots of red and pink littered across his collarbones in the shape of Lucas’ lips. His eyes are on the side of blue when Lucas looks into them, light and happy.</p><p>They study each other silently. Lucas lets the pads of his fingers run down Eliott’s upper arm, scrunching up his nose happily when Eliott’s eyes crinkle at the ends. Eliott takes his expression as an invitation to rub the tip of their noses together, and Lucas accepts it gladly, letting the sunlight light up his smile.</p><p>“Last night was fun.” Eliott murmurs. “I had fun.”</p><p>Fun doesn’t even begin to cut it, Lucas thinks. Fun is what you have on a night out with your friends. Fun is the way you describe your experience after getting off a rollercoaster, or a trip to the countryside with your school. Whatever he and Eliott did last night, it was definitely more than just ‘fun’.</p><p>“Me too,” is what Lucas replies instead.</p><p>Eliott doesn’t wanna hear it, he reminds himself. There’s too much inside of you, that you have to give pieces of yourself little by little, or else he’ll run the other way. Like he did last time. </p><p>So he smiles into the kiss that Eliott gives him, morning breath be damned, and eats the words staining his mouth black right up. </p><p>“Still friends, then?” Eliott asks, but his hand is still on Lucas’ cheek, and his lips brush against Lucas’ when he speaks. "Was it good enough to keep you around?" </p><p>And Lucas snorts despite himself. Good enough to keep him forever, though he doesn't say.</p><p>Good enough that Eliott is the only thing Lucas wants to taste ever again, but he won't say, becuase his big mouth was always his biggest enemy.</p><p>And with Eliott. </p><p>With Eliott it's the riskiest game of pull and tug he's ever played. </p><p>“Friends that kiss, you mean.” He replies instead, carefully, tilting his chin towards Eliott.</p><p>Eliott hums, pressing another soft kiss to Lucas’ cupid bow. “Yeah, friends that kiss…” his hand travels down to cup Lucas’ ass, and he raises a questioning eyebrow. “And maybe a little bit more?”</p><p>“Maybe a little bit more sounds amazing.” Lucas agrees. He covers Eliott’s hand on his ass, pressing it down.</p><p>Eliott’s erection pokes at his leg, making Lucas sigh as he licks into his mouth. </p><p>“It sounds perfect.” </p><p>“Good.” The words sound sickeningly sweet in his mouth. Eliott makes a startled noise when he suddenly flings his leg across Eliott’s hip, caging Eliott’s body between his thighs. “Now that we’ve cleared that up…” He crawls backwards, kissing his way down to Eliott’s crotch. </p><p>He’s peppering soft, little kisses to Eliott’s navel when Eliott’s brain wakes up from its stupor.</p><p>“Wait, Lucas, what are you doing?” Eliott asks, and his voice sounds strangled already.</p><p>“What does it look like?” Lucas asks before bending down to bite a matching bruise into Eliott’s hip bone. “I’m returning the favor.” </p><p>And with that he covers his head with the sheets. </p><p>Eliott’s noises are all the encouragement he needs as his lips stretch around Eliott’s dick. He starts off slowly, adjusting to the heavy weight against his tongue. Small licks that slick Eliott up, his tongue flat on Eliott’s shaft, running it up and down a few times before his jaw works his mouth open.</p><p>He covers with his hand what his mouth can’t reach, hollowing his cheeks like he’d seen Eliott do last night. It’s exhilarating, the noises that come out of Eliott when he runs his tongue across the crease of the head, and Lucas can understand why Eliott wanted to do it so bad last night.</p><p>When Eliott’s hand reaches down to grip his hair as he comes, Lucas knows this won’t be the last time he does it. Far from it.</p><p>“Are you sure you haven’t done this with other ‘friends’?” Eliott asks when Lucas comes out from under the sheets. He sounds out of breath, and his face is painted pink in the sunlight. “Because holy fuck.”</p><p>Lucas wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, a proud feeling blossoming in his chest that doesn’t match the playful glare he throws at Eliott. </p><p>“What do you think, asshole?”</p><p>“Well.” Eliott grins. He opens his arms, and Lucas goes. “Then you’re a fucking natural.”</p><p>He can do friends, he thinks. To kiss Eliott, he’d do anything.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Lucas falls a little more in love on the road to Philadelphia.</p><p>He’s digging his cold feet into Eliott’s calf, and Eliott squeals and complains that he’s got no manners<em>, God Lucas, a man shares his bunk bed and this is how you repay him?</em> every time it happens.</p><p>He’s wearing Eliott’s sweatpants, because he’s accidentally – or maybe not so much – claimed them as his, and his sleeping shirt. Eliott’s sleeping shirt has little gingerbread men in them, and it’s so cute that his heart hurts with it.</p><p>Individual bunk beds aren’t made for two people, Lucas has discovered. It’s uncomfortable as fuck, and they have to fold in on themselves to fit their legs under the covers, but every time one of them shifts the blanket falls over their legs.</p><p>Thus Lucas’ cold toes.</p><p>“Can I get a waffle? Can I <em>please</em> get a waffle?” Eliott says under his breath, and Lucas burst into laughter.</p><p>“What the <em>fuck</em>, Richard?”</p><p>Yann’s face pops up in front of Eliott’s bunk bed unannounced.</p><p>“Are you…” he hesitates, “watching vine compilations on Eliott’s phone?” At their nods Yann’s face turns into a grimace. “You two are weird as shit.”</p><p>“Fuck you too, Yann!”</p><p>Yann laughs all the way up to his bunk bed. “Yeah, yeah. But keep your fucking voice down. Arthur can turn off his hearing aids, Bas and I can’t.” He yells. “And I wanna sleep a couple of hours before getting to Philly.”</p><p>“Party popper!” Eliott yells. Lucas muffles his laughter in Eliott’s shoulder.</p><p>“What are we, Eliott? 12?”</p><p>And with that he turns the light off, like the asshole that he is.</p><p>The bus falls in a relative quietness after that.</p><p>The screen under their faces turn to black, and they’re left in complete darkness. Lucas can barely make out Eliott’s features despite their closeness, only getting one second long flashes every time a lightning strikes. The lightning always carries with it a deafening roar, and Lucas uses the opportunity to inch closer to Eliott little by little.</p><p>“You know you don’t have to pretend to be scared of thunderstorms to cuddle, right?” Eliott laughs into Lucas’ ear as they slip under the covers.</p><p>It’s still a tight fit, but Lucas makes do when he throws his legs across Eliott’s body, resting his head on his chest. Right there he feels Eliott’s heartbeat under his ear, strong and steady.</p><p>“So what if I actually am?” He whispers.</p><p>“Yeah, right.” Eliott laughs lightly, but stops himself a second later. “Wait. Are you?”</p><p>“No.” Lucas confesses in a breath. “But maybe I’m a bit scared of the dark. And loud noises don’t help.”</p><p>There’s silence, and then Eliott is dropping a kiss to Lucas’ hair. “Just a little though?”</p><p>Another angry roar shakes the bed, and every muscle in Lucas’ body tenses up.</p><p>“Yeah.” He murmurs. “Just a little.”</p><p>The lips travel down to his forehead. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”</p><p>“Is that a promise?”</p><p>Eliott’s arm tightens across his shoulders. “No,” he says, capturing Lucas’ lips in his. “It’s a fact.”</p><p>Lucas shivers as Eliott’s fingers tiptoe down his back. The rain hitting the bus windows is aggressive in contrast to the soft kisses Eliott drops on his cheek as his hand travels further down, drawing lines by his spine before slipping under Lucas’ underwear.</p><p>“Don’t start something you can’t finish.” Lucas whispers in the dead of the night, and another thunder drowns out his sigh when Eliott’s finger brushes against his entrance.</p><p>“Have some faith in me.” Eliott’s whispers back. With his other hand he tucks Lucas’ already half-hard dick out of Lucas’ underwear, giving it a pump. “I thought you’d be more worried about your best friend sleeping right above this bed.”</p><p>“Don’t fucking ruin the mood talking about my best friend with your hand down my dick,” Lucas moans softly as Eliott rubs at his entrance with one finger while he works him with the other hand. “And it’s too loud outside.” He bites down on Eliott’s neck to drown out the moan that bubbles up in his throat when Eliott flicks his wrist. “The storm will cover the noise.”</p><p>Eliott’s grin turns wicked then. “Not if I make you scream hard enough.”</p><p>“<em>Eliott</em>.” Lucas warns</p><p>Eliott makes Lucas come with a loud moan. To everyone’s joy, a roaring thunder covers most of it.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The sun is up when they get to Philadelphia. The buildings paint a dark silhouette against the orange sky, and Lucas’ first thought is that it’s breathtakingly beautiful. When Eliott joins him on the window the sky starts shifting into brighter colors. He leaves a kiss on Lucas’ bare shoulder before curling his arm around his shoulder, and Lucas thinks.</p><p>Lucas thinks that, somehow, Eliott makes all the views better.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Chicago is fun until it isn't. </p><p>They have a concert the first night. The crowd roars when they come on stage, electrifying and loud in a way Lucas isn’t used to, or maybe it sounds like that only because he’s been happy lately. </p><p>Lucas ties Eliott’s red bandana to his wrist, playing with the knot whenever the drums get a breath during guitar solos. Eliott beams every time he catches him playing with it, and Lucas, with his heart as light as the clouds, only smiles back harder, sticking his tongue out at him when Eliott pulls a funny face.</p><p>It’s partly the adrenaline buzzing inside his veins and partly the way Eliott’s hand had lingered on the small of his back during the interlude, that makes Lucas stand up from his stool. There’s an acoustic version of Hozier’s ‘Take me to church’ playing from the guitars, echoing through the roof and the thousands of people staring back at them. </p><p>Lucas walks quietly towards where Eliott is sitting on the step between the upstage and the downstage, guitar on his lap as his fingers walk down the strings comfortably to the beat of the song. It’s to the high raise in Yann’s voice when he sings one last <em>offer me that deathless death, oh good God </em>that he sinks to his knees on the floor behind Eliott.</p><p>And it’s to the last notes playing on Eliott’s guitar that Lucas leaves a phantom kiss to the back of his neck. </p><p>Eliott misses the last note by a long shot.</p><p>Back at the hotel Eliott follows Lucas to his room. Lucas pretends to act surprised for two whole minutes before Eliott is pining his wrists to the nearest wall.</p><p>“Sexy.” Lucas says lowly, smirking at the grip on his wrists before turning to look at Eliott through his eyelashes.</p><p>“Fuck.” Eliott curses, nudging his knee between Lucas’ legs. Lucas moans. “What happened to the nervous virgin from a couple of months ago?”</p><p>Lucas leans his head towards Eliott. “You fucked it out of me.” He confesses, pressing the words to Eliott’s cheek. “Hard and loudly, multiple times. If I remember correctly.” Pulling back, his gaze brims with heat. “Or maybe I’m not remembering it right?”</p><p>A fire burns inside Eliott’s eyes. “In that case,” Eliott murmurs. He frees Lucas’ wrists before letting his hands travel down to Lucas’ ass, and he grabs it in handfuls. “You might need a reminder.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Lucas loops his arms around Eliott’s neck. His tongue follows down a familiar path on Eliott’s neck. “I’d really fucking like that.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>They’re naked by the time Lucas pushes Eliott on the bed. </p><p>The sheets are cold against his knees when he crawls over Eliott’s body, hands on either side of Eliott as Eliott pushes down on the small of his back to rub their hard-ons together. It feels heavenly, dangerously addictive, the slide of their fronts together in half aborted thrusts. The tips of Eliott’s fingers brushing the swell of his ass just barely where he’s got his hands holding up Lucas’ hips. </p><p>Lucas arches his back, swallowing with his lips the dry gasp that escapes from Eliott when the motion adds more pressure to their groins. </p><p>“You’re way too good at this, fuck.” Eliott pants, fitting a finger between Lucas’ asscheeks.</p><p>Lucas hums. “Learnt from the best.” And with that he sits on Eliott’s abdomen, hands on Eliott’s chest supporting him like the strongest anchor. He pushes his ass back on Eliott’s finger, stuttering out a groan when Eliott’s dick brushes against his skin. “Didn’t I?”</p><p>“You’ll be the death of me.” Eliott’s words cut through the heat in the room, adding more fuel to the fire inside Lucas’ belly. His fingers brand bruises on the inside of Lucas’ thighs as he flips them over, and the surprised yelp that Lucas lets out is nothing compared to the guttural moan that escapes his mouth when Eliott’s tongue flicks at his rim. “And I’m taking you down with me.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t-” Lucas takes a second to breathe, a moan tickling at his tongue cutting him off. After months of doing this, Eliott’s nose nudging at his perineum as his tongue laps at his hole still leaves a mouth-shaped hole in his lungs. He reaches down with a trembling hand to push Eliott’s face closer against him. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”</p><p>Eliott’s fingers dancing on the crease where his ass meets his thigh are the sweetest torture. Lucas sucks his lip into his mouth, throat working on auto-pilot to the point where he stops having control over the noises that come out of him. Slowly, the touch travels down the back of his thigh, and with a secure grip on the back of his knee Eliott parts his legs further apart.</p><p>His thumb stays tapping at Lucas’ rim as he reaches for the bottle of lube and pack of condoms that are packed in Lucas’ suitcase under his bed. “This is what you were going for tonight, weren’t you?” His thumb presses down harder, pulling Lucas open. “A good, hard fuck that you’ll still feel tomorrow? Don’t think I don’t know your tricks, Lallemant.”</p><p>“Eliott…”</p><p>Eliott pushes one of Lucas’ legs up to his chest. This position stretches his leg’s muscles, and Lucas knows it won’t be long until the back of his thigh starts burning, shaking under Eliott’s fingers from exertion</p><p>“You want it like this?”</p><p>Lucas’ eyes roll in the back of his head when Eliott’s warm fingers brush against his entrance teasingly.</p><p>“Or like this?” And he presses two fingers to Lucas’ rim.</p><p>Lucas’ back arches off the bed. “Fuck, like that.” He groans. Eliott twists his wrist, curling his fingers inside him in a way that has sweat pooling at Lucas’ cupid bow. “Fuck, Eliott. Eliott, come here,” he’s squirming around Eliott’s fingers, eyes shut tight as he makes grabby hands at Eliott, clawing at Eliott’s shoulders blindly. “Come up here, kiss me.”</p><p>Lucas’ leg stays trapped between their chests when Eliott leans up to press open-mouthed kisses to his mouth.They make stars dance behind his eyelids, Eliott’s soft lips moving against his, waking up entire swarms of butterflies that he feels fluttering against his ribcage.</p><p>He closes his eyes, hands on each other’s faces, skin touching skin everywhere. Their stomachs, their hard-ons, Eliott’s long fingers stretching him open with his tongue making a home out of Lucas’ mouth. Lucas parts his lips wider, tilting his head to one side with a wet sound as he catches Eliott’s tongue between his teeth.</p><p>Each jab of Eliott’s fingers push him further up on the bed. Lucas mouths at Eliott’s cheek, wet gasps falling from his lips, digging his fingers into Eliott’s back as his breath starts to come out in shorter gasps.</p><p>“Stop with the fucking teasing,” Lucas gasps. “You know I’m ready, c’mon.”</p><p>“I want you to turn around.” Eliott says with a strained voice. Another push makes Lucas’ body tremble, and he moans. “I want you to lay on your stomach, and I want to fuck you until the only word in your brain is my name.”</p><p>Lucas groans at the words. He pushes Eliott off him before rolling on his stomach, spreading his legs for Eliott to kneel between them. The edge of the sheet catches on his dick, and he hisses, rolling his hips against the mattress in an attempt to take some of the edge off.</p><p>He knows he looks good. He knows how good the curve of his back looks if he pushes his hips up just the slightest bit, how much Eliott likes to bury his thumbs in the swell of his ass when they’re fucking and Lucas’ shoulders are the only thing support him upright. He knows how Eliott goes blind with want whenever it happens.</p><p>So with that knowledge and his hands under his chin, Lucas pushes blindly towards Eliott’s direction, lifting his ass off the bed.</p><p>And Eliott curses, spreading his ass open to see the way Lucas’ rim swallows him whole.</p><p>That night Lucas come untouched. There’s dried drool pooled at the corner of his mouth, and his cheeks are flushed red as Eliott fucks into him, one hand resting on the small of his back while the other pushes his shoulders flat on the mattress. </p><p>The sound of skin slapping wakes a hunger in Lucas that he’s not used to feeling. The headboard bangs against the wall with every thrust, and a part of Lucas smirks, thinking about how their room neighbors must know by now how good their sex is. The bigger part of Lucas though: that part joins Eliott in his silent gasps as they both come with body-shaking shivers.</p><p>Chicago is fun.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Until it isn’t.</p><p>Two mornings after what Lucas affectionately refers to as “the night they fucked each other’s brains out in the state of Illinois”, Eliott isn’t at breakfast.</p><p>“Did you guys see Eliott?” Lucas asks, tearing a croissant in half before remembering there’s no one to share it with.</p><p>Yann has the decency to stick his nose out of his coffee mug to answer with a sleepy ‘no’.</p><p>Lucas frowns to himself, eating half croissant silently. He checks his phone every few minutes, waiting for a text that doesn’t come. That Eliott is sick, that he has a hangover, although they didn’t go out last night, but maybe. Just maybe. That maybe he’s just tired, and can Lucas please bring him something to eat from a vending machine? He doesn’t wanna get up, and the bed is <em>really </em>warm under the sheets, and<em> I’ll even warm up your side if you get me some food, Lucas.</em></p><p>But the text never comes, and the other half of the croissant stays on the plate, untouched. </p><p>He’s on his way out when he bumps into him.</p><p>“Eskild, have you heard from Eliott?” He asks his manager. “He didn’t come down for breakfast.”</p><p>Eskild looks up from his phone for a moment. He gets a big smile on his face when he sees Lucas, and Lucas can’t suppress one in return. There’s a certain familiarity to that smile that Lucas can’t quite put a finger to.</p><p>“Lucas!” Eskild exclaims, chirpy even in the morning. “How’s my favorite band member doing? Just kidding. Favorite drummer?” </p><p>Lucas snorts despite the slight uneasiness he feels. </p><p>“Eliott texted me this morning, yes. He said he was having one of those days, you know?” He shares a knowing look with Lucas, one perfect eyebrow raised up to his hairline, and Lucas understands. He goes to say something when the phone on Eskild’s hand goes off. “Oh, I have to take this, excuse me. You tell me if there’s any problem, yeah? The whole country is counting on you, Lucas Lallemant. Let me just- Baby gay! No, Issy, I told you you don’t need <em>another </em>dog house- well, tell Even to return it, what the fuck?!”</p><p>Eliott is having one of those days.</p><p>Okay. He can work with that.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>He stops at the reception on the way to Eliott’s room.</p><p>The sweet front he has to put up to get a spare room key from the girl working there makes him not miss one bit the way he used to kiss girls to shoot his shot at being what everyone expected from him. The sweet smile in his face is anything but sweet, and the flirty wink the girl throws his way makes Lucas want to rip out his own eyes.</p><p>So much for being straight. He snorts to himself; if only Eliott had come around sooner.</p><p>There’ a vending machine at the hall on their floor. He stops again, and buys two chocolate bars from it.</p><p>The ‘1’ in 212 is crooked next to Eliott’s room door. He smiles at the little detail before walking past it. When he gets back, two chocolate bars in his front pocket, his laptop under his arm and Eliott’s room key in his other hand he smiles again.</p><p>“Knock, knock.” He says quietly, pushing the door open.</p><p>Eliott is a lump in the middle of the bed. The curtains have been drawn shut, turning the room into a dim void of shadows and blurred shapes. Lucas can see a bit of golden hair peeking out from under the blanket, glowing weakly with the light coming from the still open door. </p><p>“Lucas?” A voice croaks out from under the mess of blankets.</p><p>A hand inside of Lucas’ chest squeezes his heart at the sadness in Eliott’s voice.</p><p>As carefully as he can, he closes the door behind him. The reflection of his phone screen lights the path towards the bed, and he walks silently until his knees hit the mattress. With gentle fingers, he pulls the blankets down Eliott’s face, smiling softly when Eliott blinks up at him.</p><p>“Hey, you.” He murmurs. The pad of his finger brushes down Eliott’s cheek lightly, all the way up from his cheekbone and down the corner of Eliott’s smile, feeling the twitch of Eliott’s muscles under his fingertip. “Scoot over a little, I can’t fit.”</p><p>The storm in Eliott’s eyes grumble. The words seem to get trapped in his mouth, tongue rolling on his teeth for a couple of times. Lucas waits.</p><p> “I don’t…” He whispers at last. “I’m not really- in the mood today. Sorry.”</p><p>If anything, Lucas’ smile widens.</p><p>“You think I only hang out with your for your mouth skills? You’re my friend too, and I like taking care of you.” There’s more words threatening out to spill out from him, but he holds himself back. Not yet, he tells himself. Not yet. With his thumb he draws a circle under Eliott’s eyes. “Now don’t be stubborn, scoot over a little.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Eliott curls up against his side the moment Lucas lies next to him. His fist grabs handfuls of Lucas’ sweater and his face hides in the crook between Lucas’ shoulder and neck. There’ tension where his fingers grip Lucas’ clothes, and the hand on Lucas’ heart tightens again, so he covers Eliott’s fingers with his own, drawing circles on the inside of Eliott’s wrist.</p><p>“I’m not having a very good day.” Eliott confesses between one breath and the other.</p><p>Lucas sighs sadly. “I know.” He murmurs. He presses a kiss to Eliott’s forehead, lips lingering on Eliott’s smooth forehead until he feels some tension leave Eliott’s shoulders. “I know. It’s okay, tomorrow will be better.”</p><p>Eliott makes a wounded noise that turns everything in Lucas’ insides upside down. He squeezes Eliott’s shoulders, pulls him closer to himself, and for a second he imagines he could let Eliott get under his skin. Live in the ribs closest to his heart, so that he could always be safe, and happy and warm.</p><p>“Tomorrow will be better.” Lucas repeats. “And if it isn't- and if it isn’t, then we’ll deal with it tomorrow. Good?”</p><p>There’s a pause. Lucas thinks Eliott might have fallen asleep; with the way his fingers run through his head, it wouldn’t be the first time.</p><p>But then Eliott’s hand moves across Lucas’ body. </p><p>“What’s that for?” He asks, pointing at the laptop lying at Lucas’ side.</p><p>“It’s my laptop.” Lucas answers. “I thought we could watch something later? I promise I won’t complain if you put on Pretty Woman. Not much at least. I also brought some chocolate bars, in case we get hungry later.”</p><p>“You’re an angel.” There’s a kiss pressed behind his ear. “You’re a fucking angel.”</p><p>Pink flushes up to Lucas’ cheeks, and he shakes his head. “No I’m not. I just want to take care of you like you take care of me.”</p><p>Eliott lifts his head with a tilt of his chin, smiling up at Lucas slowly, and Lucas can’t help but close the gap between their lips. It’s not something they do, kissing just for the sake of it, and Lucas doesn’t realize until he’s burying his hand in Eliott’s hair as he lets their mouths move together chastely.</p><p>“Can we watch that movie now?” Eliott asks when they pull apart.</p><p>The hand inside Lucas’ chest eases its grip in his chest. It has a thin wrist, followed by the beginning of a strong forearm and the outline of long fingers with calloulouses at the fingertips.</p><p>So they watch the movie.</p><p>Eliott’s head is nestled on his chest as he juggles the laptop on his knees, the light of the screen reflecting on Eliott’s features. A dim white washes over his face, flashes of colors catching on his eyelashes when he blinks, and the small smile on his face makes up for the easy pick up lines and cheap Hollywood romance.</p><p>A yawn pops his jaw halfway through. He stretches his shoulders in an attempt to keep himself awake, and the arm under Eliott’s head bumps with something solid. He reaches for it, eyebrows knitting together when he feels a metallic spiral between his fingers.</p><p>“What’s this?” He can’t help but ask, looking curiously at the notebook in his hand.</p><p>Eliott averts his eyes from the laptop to look at it. “That’s my lyrics notebook.” He explains with a small shrug. “You can look through it if you want.”</p><p>“I can?” Lucas asks excitedly, and then “Will I find a song written about me here?”</p><p>Eliott only snorts, returning his attention to the movie. “I wouldn’t give you a notebook with poetry about your blue eyes, Lucas. Those are in another one.”</p><p>Lucas runs his fingers across the cover of the notebook. Getting a peek inside Eliott’s mind scares him to death, and he hopes Eliott doesn’t pick up the way his heart jumps when he turns the first page. </p><p>Words in cursive and doodles at the margins greet him. Some lines that Lucas doesn’t understands, some that he does and make his heart fill with pride. They’re good. Really fucking good.</p><p>Dropping kisses to Eliott’s hair, he turns page after page. Some pages are hauntingly real, black ink smeared over the page and words crossed out, one after the other, making a mess out of the page. </p><p>It’s one of those pages that catch Lucas’ eyes.</p><p>He nudges Eliott’s shoulder. </p><p>“Tell me about this one?”</p><p>Eliott takes the notebook from him, reading over the words in the page. A grim smile settles in his face when he speaks, making the hairs in Lucas’ arms stand up. </p><p>“Who am I? I’m almost 21,” Eliott murmurs without even looking down at the notebook. “Can’t remember half the time that I’ve been alive.” His knuckles turn white in the grip on the notebook before he gives it back to Lucas. “I’ve been working on this one for a long time. I don’t know,” He shrugs tiredly. “I don’t think I’ll ever finish it. There’s something missing, so I just kind of read the words again and again in days like this one, feeling sorry for myself and hoping to God everything'll pass soon.”</p><p>“Well, I think it’s good.”</p><p>The ends of Eliott’s lips lose their edge, and his smile turns softer when he reaches up to brush his finger to Lucas’ neck. “You always think everything I do is good.”</p><p>“That’s because it’s true.”</p><p>Eliott tilts his head to one side then, and Lucas lets those eyes study every minuscule flaw in him without moving. He gets tired eventually, turning around in Lucas’ hold, and his lips find its home against Lucas’ shoulder. Lucas sets the notebook down, by his side and close to his hip, resuming back to brushing his fingers through Eliott’s hair.</p><p>When he’s sure Eliott’s asleep he opens the notebook by the last page that has been touched, reaching for the pen at the bedside tablet. It’s with red ink that he scribbles some words down, right by the biggest crossout in the page yet, and smiles satisfied at his work.</p><p>He falls asleep too.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Soft and slow, let the minutes go.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Count out loud, so we don’t have to keep them to ourselves.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>The city that never sleeps, is what Bas calls it.</p><p>The heart of capitalism, Yann retorts back. But then Eliott pops his head from the bathroom with a toothbrush in his hand, toothpaste dribbling down his chin like the goddamn child-man that he is, and says, <em>isn’t that LA though? With Hollywood and stuff, you know?</em></p><p>Eliott catches Lucas’ eye in the mirror reflection and winks.</p><p>The city that never sleeps it is.</p><p>Lucas can see some appeal to it, he must admit, when the honking cars drown out Eliott’s loud moans as Lucas fucks into him hard and fast, one hand tangled in his hair that keeps pulling his head back. Even from the tenth floor.</p><p>It’s impressive.</p><p>An electrifying kind of buzz brims the room with barely contained excitement. It’s one of the lasts concerts for this part of the tour. There’s happiness in everyone’s faces, but the glee in their eyes are overshadowed by a thin blanket of nostalgia from what’s about to end. </p><p>Moments like this one, they’re only meant to be lived once. And then the memory gets stored at the front of your mind for rainy days.</p><p>The momentum is lost on Lucas and Eliott. The end of the tour is the furthest thing in their minds as Lucas slams Eliott against the door of a spare backroom. Their bodies thrum with excitement, their fronts throb with impatience, and it has little to do with the show they have to put on in twenty minutes.</p><p>“Fuck.” Eliott gasps, and Lucas steals it right out of his mouth with his lips.</p><p>“You really had to wear this fucking shirt, huh?” Lucas says, fumbling with the button of Eliott’s jeans. The black sleeveless t-shirt is tucked into his jeans, making Lucas go mad since the moment he had stepped into backstage. He pulls it out carelessly, running the palm of his hands over the defined muscles of Eliott’s abdomen after. “God, you’re hot.”</p><p>“We have twenty minutes.” Eliott gets out through heavy breaths. His mouth his tinted pink, matching Lucas’ own lips, he’s sure, shiny with wet spit after Lucas had pressed him to the nearest corner when no one was looking. “I know you hate me right now, but there’s really, really no time for foreplay.”</p><p>Lucas drops to his knees. “Okay,” he says, and hooks his fingers on the waistband of Eliott’s underwear, pulling them down. Kissing Eliott’s thigh, he puts his mouth around Eliott.</p><p>"God." Eliott mutters. Lucas bobs his head, taking as much of Eliott as he can, letting Eliott’s hand on his hair guide him. “God, go faster.”</p><p>So Lucas does. </p><p>He swirls his tongue around Eliott’s shaft, kissing and licking at a dizzying pace. Spit pools at his bottom lip and drips from the corner of his mouth, Eliott’s noises mixing with his own as he swallows him down faster. With one hand he reaches behind Eliott’s dick, drawing a feathery line down the inside Eliott’s thigh, right by his groin, because he knows that’s where Eliott is most sensitive, and Eliott yells.</p><p>“Fuck! I-”</p><p>Lucas pulls out with a loud pop. "Say it."</p><p>It takes a second for the words to register in Eliott’s brain. He looks down at Lucas with glassy eyes, and Lucas sees his jaw working wordlessly before Eliott is whispering a confused little "what?"</p><p>"My name.” Lucas says. He bites at the top of Eliott’s thigh before licking over the bruise. “Say it."</p><p>Eliott’s mouth falls shut. </p><p>Lucas huffs, impatient, and takes Eliott in his hand, brushing his thumb over Eliott’s sensitive head. It punches a wet gasp out of Eliott, his fingers in Lucas’ hair tightening his grip, but he stays silent.</p><p>“You never say my name like this.” Lucas complains, moving his hand up and down Eliott’s dick. His free hand moves between his legs, and he palms himself as more noises come out of Eliott’s mouth. But never his name. "Why won't you ever use my name?" </p><p>"I do. Fuck, don’t stop-” Eliott wheezes. “Not often, but I do."</p><p>Lucas twists his wrist, growling. "Why?"</p><p>Eliott’s moan is loud. He joins Lucas’ hand on his dick, intertwining their fingers. There’s precome wetting Lucas’ hand, and their joined hands on Eliott’s dick make noise when they pick up speed. </p><p>"Because,” Eliott stutters. “Because I'm afraid.” He voice comes out weak and his thighs tremble when Lucas’ grip tightens. “That once I start saying it, I will never stop."</p><p>Eliott comes in Lucas’ hand. His back hits the door loudly, and his hair falls over his forehead in damp strands. He’s beautiful, Lucas thinks. He’s so fucking beautiful.</p><p>And he doesn’t get to have it.</p><p>Lucas stands on wobbly legs and a heavy heart. He looks at Eliott, and-</p><p>"Would that really be so bad?" He asks in a small voice.</p><p>A yell from the hallway makes him jump. His hand burns when it leaves Eliott’s waist, and  his heart pumps red blood to his cheeks at a painful pace. </p><p>He holds his breath, waiting for the downfall. And when he remembers that he doesn’t have to do that anymore - that the world doesn’t stop spinning, and the ground doesn’t burn down just because he likes sucking his friend’s dick, he curses under his breath.</p><p>Eliott gives him a sad smile. "You tell me."</p><p>Lucas doesn't know what to say to that, so he doesn’t say anything at all.</p><p>The city that never sleeps, Lucas thinks. What a sleepless city for a sleepless boy.</p><p>New York makes Lucas wonder what he’s so afraid of.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the song that eliott reads the end is 929 by Halsey. i changed some of the words so it'd fit the vibe that i was going for, but i strongly recommend you check it out!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>90% porn 110% feelings.</p><p>i wish i was kidding.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: light bondage (so if you're not into that!!! please don't read) </p><p>hello, it's been like 3 months but i promise i didn't forget about this. i'm very much excited and in love with this series. in fact, i'm currently writing the next chapter. </p><p>this is just an accompaniment piece. a light interlude that takes place between tour and summer break. you don't have to read it if you're not into this kind of stuff, the scene doesn't have any consequencies in the events from next chapter &lt;3 if you're into emotional pain and sexy times you can stay though. enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Somewhere in the world, Spring 2019</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Two beers, please.”</p><p>The bartender gives him a nod before turning around to fix the drinks.</p><p>Lucas smiles slightly, one of those tight-lipped smiles with a jerk of the head that you give to express your gratitude, one arm propped on the counter as he stares at the polished marble with boredom.</p><p>What a fucking way to kick off the weekend, he thinks. How fucking great is it to get the smell of alcohol and sweat under your nose. How strangers’ arms dig into your sides and jostle you around like a ragdoll. It’s definitely his idea of fun.</p><p>Except that it isn’t, and he doesn’t even like going out that much, so what the fuck is he doing out here if not for the person he had come with?</p><p>The music is loud in his ears, making his head pound, his chest, all the way down to his fingertips. He feels light-headed, just a little bit, the smell of vodka and cranberry mixing in the air makes something heavy sit uncomfortably in his gut. He doesn’t like it one bit.</p><p>Worst of all, though? Eliott didn’t come after him when he left. It hurts more than he’s willing to admit. It’s whatever, though. Fucking whatever, they don’t owe each other anything after all. Lucas knows this. He makes sure to rail it inside his brain every sleepless night that he spends alone in his apartment.</p><p>Everything is going fucking great tonight.</p><p>“Here you are.” Someone says in his ear. There’s arms around his waist and then Eliott presses himself against Lucas’ back. Lucas resists the urge to grit his teeth. “What are you doing all the way here?”</p><p>He doesn’t takes the bait, but his hands clench on the counter momentarily before he forces his muscles to relax. Taking a deep breath, he hopes Eliott’s arms are low enough that he won’t feel the way his heart beats against his ribcage.</p><p>After a moment, he shrugs. “Looked like you were having fun with those two brunettes.” says Lucas. He doesn’t turn his face, biting the inside of his cheek when he feels Eliott’s breath ghost over his bare neck. “I thought I’d step out to get the coast clear for you.”</p><p>He doesn’t miss the way Eliott’s chest rumbles against his back with a low chuckle, and with that so does his entire body. He fights against himself to not melt into it.</p><p>“So clear,” Eliott bends to whisper in his ear. His lips brush the shell of Lucas’ ear, a feathery touch that could pass up as nothing if the tip of Eliott’s fingers hadn’t slipped inside his jeans. “So clear, that you took the only thing I wanted to fuck away with you.”</p><p>Lucas flinches with surprise. This is not something they usually do – not in fucking public, not when Eliott had been two steps from dropping on his knees to slip his head under one of the girl’s skirt. Maybe he’s been one step from sucking his dick all night, though, if actions are anything to go by.</p><p>Well.</p><p>The hairs at the back of his neck stand up, and his knees buckle as he feels nails scratching up his belly. He doesn’t make any sound, but he’s ready to drop his façade, turn around in Eliott’s hold, his sense of self-preservation be fucking damned – and there’s no such thing when it comes to the man glued to his back, desperation flowing in his blood to get his hands on him, in him, anywhere he’ll let him. He’s so fucking easy.</p><p>And that’s when the bartender comes back with the two drinks.</p><p>Eliott’s hands still inside his underwear.</p><p>“Two beers? You got one for me too?” And he sounds so happy, and his voice is so light that Lucas wants to smash his head against the nearest wall and maybe cry a little.</p><p>As it is, he schools his face into a smirk with a roll of his shoulders.</p><p>“Don’t get too cocky, the second one is for when I’m done with the first one.” And then, because paper cuts sting for a little while, “like you and those girls, you know?”</p><p>The sudden coldness on his heated skin makes him hiss. The marble counter digs into his abdomen, freezing and sticky, and his knees buckle when he feels Eliott’s crotch pressing into his back.</p><p>“Baby.” Eliott whispers, the asshole, because he knows what that term of endearment does to Lucas in bed, and he’s got Lucas’ body trapped between his back and the bar as he says it. He unbuttons Lucas’ jeans, pulls the zipper down. “When will you understand that it’s your ass that I’m going after every time we go out?”</p><p>Lucas’ breath hitches when he feels a hand cup the front of his underwear.</p><p>Still, he swallows past the dryness in his throat. With one hand traveling down to cover Eliott’s, he pushes his ass back. “Feeling lucky tonight, are you?”</p><p>He grinds his ass down on Eliott’s crotch, tongue caught between his teeth as he lets his eyelashes flutter at the feel of Eliott’s finger trailing down his length teasingly.</p><p>“Wise words said from someone who’s pressing their ass against my dick like a fucking tease in the middle of the club.”</p><p>Despite himself, he grins. “Didn’t say I was any better.” He circles his hips, and Eliott’s grip jerks around him. “Besides, you love it.”</p><p>“Hmm.”</p><p>The hum is pressed to the side of his neck, a low breath followed by Eliott circling his dick with two fingers, carefully untucking it from inside his underwear. The cotton fabric catches on the head, and Lucas inhales sharply, the pounding music fading into white noise that has his head swimming between clouds.</p><p>Everything is on fire, his body going into shock at the heat between his legs where Eliott is rubbing slowly and the cold kisses pressed to the back of neck. Eliott traces the shape of his dick over the underwear, and Lucas gasps for air.</p><p>“Fuck” swears Lucas. He lets himself melt in Eliott’s hold, lets his head fall against his shoulder. He twists his head to the side, lets his lips brush the side of Eliott’s neck. “Christ.”</p><p>A bead of sweat rolls down the side of his face when he feels a thumb toying with the head peeking out of his underwear, breath turning into a hiccup as Eliott’s hand rubs down his hard-on before palming him tightly.</p><p>He grips the counter harder.</p><p>“Don’t you fucking dare stop.” Lucas groans into Eliott’s jaw. He mouths the words, letting his lips drag, tongue flat on the dip of Eliott’s neck. “Don’t you dare stop now.”</p><p>The grip on his dick tightens, and then Eliott is rubbing his palm up and down Lucas’ underwear to the beat of his own heartbeat. He feels wetness drawing a dark stain in his underwear. His stomach quivers, ragged breaths that makes his chest hit the counter every time, and he lets out an involuntary <em>ah</em> sound as Eliott squeezes roughly.</p><p>And then the hand pulls away.</p><p>Lucas whines high in his throat, hips buckling forward in search for Eliott’s touch. Eliott only chuckles lowly in Lucas’ ear, buttoning Lucas’ jeans back up before he can even form a coherent response, and with a light tap to his ass he’s moving away.</p><p>“Sorry, what were you saying?” He yells over the music with ringing laughter, and Lucas doesn’t have to turn around to know he’s grinning. The asshole. “The music’s too loud!”</p><p>Lucas exhales, jaw clenched. Okay.</p><p>This is how they’re playing tonight.</p><p>He turns around. Pushes up on his toes, arms curled around Eliott’s neck, he lets his tongue run up behind Eliott’s ear. Eliott grabs him by the waist, and Lucas can feel the goosebumps awakening in Eliott’s skin under his mouth as he breathes a hot puff of air over the trail of spit.</p><p>Eliott’s grip on his hips tighten. He grins.</p><p>“You’re fucking dead.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>He’s got his hands under Eliott’s shirt.</p><p>His veins thrum with want. There’s a calmness in his bones, something soothing that washes over him, certainty about what happens next. If everything else fails, he knows where this is headed. Still, the characteristic giddiness of a teen at giving their first kiss takes over him every time it happens.</p><p>He should be used to this by now, but he isn’t. He doesn’t think it’s something one ever gets used to.</p><p>Not when it comes to him. Not when it comes to Eliott, who smells like strawberry lollipops and rum in his mouth when he kisses him, who tastes like rain when Lucas dips his head to nip at his jaw.</p><p>Eliott, who kisses like he laughs, who smiles into his mouth and runs his hands down his naked shoulders before curling his fingers around his hips.</p><p>He opens his mouth against Eliott’s, letting him steal the air off his lungs. Sighing, he lets their foreheads bump together. His cheeks are hot and his breath is ragged as he takes the shirt off Eliott, running his hands down and over his stomach.</p><p>Eliott’s eyelashes tickle against his cheeks. Lucas juts his chin out, catching his bottom lip with his mouth in a slow kiss. Their chests press together, warm and smooth as Lucas lets his hips circle down against Eliott’s crotch.</p><p>There’s hands traveling down his spine, making Lucas shiver at the dance of Eliott’s fingertips on him. It goes down and down and down, hands slipping under his jeans and squeezing his ass.</p><p>Lucas makes a sound at the back of his throat, searching behind him to grip Eliott’s wrists.</p><p>“Nope,” Lucas pants between kisses. He brings Eliott’s hands behind his back, interlocking their fingers. “No touching today.”</p><p>Eliott huffs, planting a kiss on the corner of his mouth.</p><p>“Still mad?” He asks, and there’s laughter in his eyes when he says it. Lucas doesn’t falter, raising a challenging eyebrow, and this time Eliott does laugh out loud. “Baby.”</p><p>God. That term again. It heats his skin – hot in his face, and his neck, and between his legs.</p><p>He shakes his head, but still lets Eliott brush their noses together at the same time he buckles his hips up, and his heart has never felt lighter and heavier at the same time before.</p><p>“You have no fucking idea, do you?” He asks with bite, rolls his hips forward. The grip on his fingers tighten. “You drive me fucking crazy.”</p><p>Eliott kisses the side of his neck as an answer. He turns his head with a stuttering sigh, breath hitching in his chest as teeth scrap over his pulse point, squeezing Eliott’s hips with his thighs. In a shot of lucidity he takes Eliott’s wrists in one hand, pining them flat on the mattress.</p><p>“So crazy,” Lucas groans at the tongue trailing down his throat. Eliott gives a little appreciative sigh as Lucas squeezes his wrists, pulling at them until Eliott loses balance.</p><p>His back hits the mattress, and he stares up at Lucas with awe in his eyes as Lucas towers over him. He’s gorgeous like this, with his hair sprawled on the bed and his eyes that shine more than the shitty artificial light above their heads. His chest is flushed pink under Lucas, and his fingers walk up his jeans-clad thighs.</p><p>“Jesus, look at you.” Eliott breathes, gripping Lucas’ legs. His thumbs dig into the inside of his thighs, making Lucas’ hands shake on his belt. “You’re fucking beautiful.”</p><p>He undoes his belt blindly, back arched as he bends down to kiss Eliott. Once, twice. On the mouth, on his chin, sucking his tongue between his teeth and making him gasp as he sets his belt free and pops the button on his jeans.</p><p>Just as blindly, he takes Eliott’s hand in his, guiding it towards his groin. He leads Eliott’s touch, letting his fingers brush up and down his underwear.</p><p>“At first I thought I’d fuck you, you know?” Lucas whispers into Eliott’s mouth. Eliott’s hand twitches in interest, and he smirks. “Tie you up, turn you on your stomach with your ass on display, all pretty for me,”</p><p>Eliott’s hips buckle under him, his fingers pressing harder into Lucas’ navel. Lucas presses his ass down, moving Eliott’s hand away from him. Eliott growls in impatience.</p><p>“Hands tied behind your back,” A roll of his hips, he moves Eliott’s hand back to his crotch. He hisses at the contact, muffling it on the side of Eliott’s face. “So you have no chance to touch yourself.”</p><p>He can hear Eliott’s hard swallow at his words. It’d make a really fucking good picture, he has to admit. He stores that thought for another time.</p><p>“But you’re not gonna do that.”</p><p>Lucas shakes his head.</p><p>“No, I’m not gonna do that.” He agrees. Pulling back, he ignores the soft groan from Eliott at the loss of his lips. “You’d enjoy it too much. I’m still gonna tie you up though.”</p><p>He moves to one side, pulling his jeans down. Eliott’s eyes are on him, black with lust, and he makes a show out of it, hooking his thumbs into the elastic waistband before pulling the underwear over his thighs.</p><p>He takes the belt on the side of the bed.</p><p>“I’m gonna tie you up, and I’m gonna fuck myself on your dick until you’re begging me to untie you. I’m gonna ride you so fucking hard, and you’re not touching me until I say you can.”</p><p>Eliott looks at Lucas with surprise, then at the belt in his hands. He exhales.</p><p>“Holy fuck, Lucas. Virgin you is really no more.”</p><p>Lucas grins.</p><p>He straddles Eliott, sits on his thighs with his hands on his shoulders, heart rabbiting in his chest. Hands go to hold his waist, and Eliott brings them closer together, sitting up with Lucas on his lap. The touch on his back feels charged, electricity at Eliott’s fingertips that has Lucas squirming as they crash their lips together.</p><p>The leather of the belt brushes against the back of Eliott’s neck when Lucas hugs his shoulders, and he feels a shiver shaking Eliott’s body. He stops.</p><p>“Wait,” Lucas whispers as their mouths pull apart. Eliott blinks at him expectantly, dark grey in pools inside his eyes that warms his face up. “This is- this is okay, right?”</p><p>There’s sunlight hidden in the crease of Eliott’s bottom lip when he smiles at him. He cups Lucas’ face with his hands, fingers tracing Lucas’ features softly.</p><p>“Hey.” Eliott holds his head in place, forcing their eyes to meet. “If you don’t tie me up right the fuck now I’m gonna fucking tie myself, so,” He presses a kiss to the corner of Lucas’ mouth before offering his wrists to Lucas. “Please.”</p><p>The face Eliott pulls is far too eager, and Lucas has to muffle his laughter in Eliott’s collarbone as he brings his arms behind his back.</p><p>“Don’t make it unsexy.”</p><p>Eliott squints at him jokingly.</p><p>“I wouldn’t dare.” He says, and the last word ends in a hitched breath when the belt binds his arms together.</p><p>Lucas traces the edges of the belt tangled around Eliott’s arms. “Good?” He pulls at the knot experimentally.</p><p>Eliott throws his head back.</p><p>“Fuck,” he curses, and his throat looks so good when he stretches like that that Lucas has to bite it. “Fuck, why is this so hot?”</p><p>Lucas doesn’t answer. He pulls away from Eliott with one last kiss to his chin, and then he’s guiding him down on the bed by the shoulders. Eliott lets himself be pushed down, fire in his eyes staring up at Lucas until his back hits the mattress.</p><p>There’s wonder in Eliott’s face as he wiggles his arms behind him. Lucas watches nervously, ready to – call it off? Keep going? He has no fucking idea of what he’s doing, so he waits. He waits, hands running up and down Eliott’s stomach as Eliott tests the grip.</p><p>A blink later, and Eliott is looking at him expectantly.</p><p>Lucas nods, mostly to himself.</p><p>He gets Eliott out of his pants silently, and when he pulls down his own underwear he’s so hard his dick slaps against his belly wetly. He hears a curse over his head, but he pays no mind to it.</p><p>Instead he curls his fingers around himself, wrist moving up and down teasingly slowly. He has to stop for a second to get the bedside drawer open, breaths coming in low pants at the knowledge that Eliott is watching him. He brushes his thumb over the head, and Eliott hisses with him.</p><p>“Out of all the things you’ve made me do,” says Eliott, and Lucas looks up from the lube coating his fingers. His lips are wet, cheeks pink, and his stomach quivers with every drag of Lucas’ dick. “This might be the cruelest one.”</p><p>Lucas licks his lips. He lowers himself on the bed, smirk set on his face. Kisses the inside of Eliott’s thigh.</p><p>“You should know by now that I don’t do like it when you say no to me.” He taunts. Rubs his face on Eliott’s crotch, back arched high enough that he knows Eliott can see the dip of his back and his ass. “Hopefully by the end of this though,”</p><p>He cuts himself off with a kiss to the tip of Eliott’s dick. With one hand on Eliott’s hipbone he supports himself, the other going between his asscheeks to play with himself. He makes sure to twist his wrist enough to show Eliott what he’s doing.</p><p>“Hopefully by the end of this, you will have understood that you don’t fucking try to get me off in the middle of the club.” He swallows Eliott down in one go, coaxing a strangled sound out of him.</p><p>Lips stretched, he lets his tongue trail down the side of Eliott’s length. And then he stops. Eliott whines.</p><p>“You don’t do that,” he bites Eliott’s thigh. “And then just fucking stop. And think I'm gonna be happy about it.”</p><p>Eliott tries to buckle his hips up, but Lucas stops him. “Be good.” And then he’s taking Eliott in his mouth again.</p><p>He bobs his head up and down, the string of curses falling from Eliott’s lips drowning out the wet sound of his mouth going down on Eliott. It’s hot like this, with Eliott squirming under him, putty in Lucas’ hands as if he’s the only thing he trusts more than himself.</p><p>He can’t help but miss the pull of Eliott’s hands in his hair, but he makes do with the heated feeling of Eliott swelling up inside his mouth.</p><p>“Fuck, you’re killing me,” Eliott groans loudly as Lucas presses one finger inside of himself.</p><p>Lucas hums around his dick, moving his finger in and out of his ass expertly before he’s adding a second one. He rubs at his rim, wet with the leftover lube on his fingertips, and presses down as he starts lapping up at Eliott’s dick.</p><p>“I really fucking wish I could touch you. Hold your head down, fuck,” Lucas looks up to find Eliott thumping his head against the mattress. He’s breathing hard, Lucas can see from here, but his hands don’t move behind his back. “You’re so fucking beautiful with your lips around me, fuck, baby.”</p><p>Lucas whines at the back of his throat, and it makes Eliott look down at him. He’s got his bottom lip between his teeth, face scrunched up in pleasure and eyes full of wonder. His shoulders move up and down with every labored breath he takes.</p><p>The sight is enough to make the second finger go in. He moans around Eliott’s dick. He pumps himself, wrist cramping at the angle he’s in, but he doesn’t move, fingers driving in and out of him decidedly. He imagines it’s Eliott’s fingers in him, curling inwards, rubbing down, tips catching on the rim, and the shiver it gives him is enough to make his hips jerk forward.</p><p>“Fuck,” He pulls away, rests his forehead on Eliott’s thigh as he tries to catch his breath. There’s drool running down the corner of his mouth, sweat at the back of his thighs, and his heart beats in his ears as he scissors his fingers inside himself. “Fuck, God, Eli-“</p><p>He can’t help but push back on his fingers at every thrust, and it’s not until the breathless ‘Please’ coming from Eliott rings out in his ears that he stops.</p><p>“Please, baby.” Eliott begs. His chest is red, dick twitching against his belly, and there’s desperation in his eyes. “You wanted me to beg, right? So I’m begging, please, please, let me fuck you.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah.” Lucas sighs. He kisses Eliott’s leg. “Yeah.”</p><p>He takes his fingers out, wipes them on the bed sheets before leveling himself on Eliott’s hips. He raises up, trembling legs making its way up to Eliott’s body. He stays on all fours above Eliott, juts his chin out until Eliott tilts his head up, kisses him like he’s missed him.</p><p>In a weird, fucked up way, he thinks he did.</p><p>He lets Eliott suck on his tongue, dips down to nibble at his bottom lip. Lick, kiss, worship with his own mouth, Eliott’s lips are sweet against his when they slide together. It’s wet and dirty, and he indulges in it for a few seconds before he’s pulling back.</p><p>The next second he’s sitting on Eliott’s stomach with his back turned to him.</p><p>“Of fucking course,” He hears Eliott utter under his breath, and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.</p><p>Any other normal day, there’d be fingers gripping his ass roughly until it’s over.</p><p>As it is now, he lets his ass sit on Eliott’s lower stomach tauntingly. He takes him in his hand, making a quick job of rolling the condom down.</p><p>Knees sunk on the mattress, he sits back on his thighs, hands on Eliott’s knees to support himself. His hips raise up a bit, enough to catch Eliott’s dick under his ass, and grinds down.</p><p>“You’re the asshole of my life, Lucas Lallemant.” Eliott curses. Lucas smirks to himself, heartbeat raising as the head of Eliott’s dick catches on his rim. “I hope you, ah- fucking know that.”</p><p>Lucas reaches behind his back. Hands on his ass, he spreads himself open. Loosely sneaks two fingers inside of himself before he’s holding Eliott in his hand, guiding him towards his entrance.</p><p>He look over his shoulder with hunger in his eyes. “And they say romance is dead,” he says.</p><p>And he sinks down.</p><p>His fingers push down on his rim, holds Eliott’s dick in place he goes lower, and lower and lower. With each shift of his hips another inch goes down. He feels it in the small of his back, in the strain of his thighs, a burning pleasure that consumes them both the lower he goes.</p><p>Eliott hisses, groans, rustling sounds coming from behind Lucas’ back, and Lucas doesn’t need to look to know Eliott is undressing the bedding with the jerking of his head.</p><p>He lets out a long sigh when his ass sits flat on Eliott’s belly.</p><p>“Holy fuck,” Eliott drags out. “Holy fuck, I hope Hell is nicer with their punishments than you.”</p><p>Lucas raises himself up one inch. “Are you calling me a demon?” And he falls down again, punching a groan out of Eliott.</p><p>“If you are,” Eliott grits out as an answer. He gets cut off at the roll of Lucas’ hips. “Fuck, you’re a demon disguised as the most beautiful angel I’ve ever seen.”</p><p>Lucas closes his eyes.</p><p>There’s a flush at his cheeks that isn’t from the sex, and his hands clench at his sides with every word that Eliott says. His dick pulses against his belly, and he gets the sudden need to call the whole fucking thing off, untie Eliott and hide in the crook of his neck as Eliott fucks into him until he cries.</p><p>It works as a motivation to get him moving.</p><p>There’s fire inside his veins. Sweat rolls down his collarbones as his hips move up and down. He feels every thrust in his stomach, hears every soft slap of his ass against Eliott’s stomach in his brain, committing to memory the sounds coming from Eliott.</p><p>With his eyes closed, he can almost feel Eliott’s lips branding every inch of his body. With every drag of Eliott’s dick on his rim he imagines it’s Eliott’s hands pressing down on his belly and jerking him off.</p><p>He’s lost in the ghost of Eliott’s touch christening his body, kissing behind his ear and nosing at his jaw as he thrusts up into him. He’s lost in a phantom mouth and invisible fingers, fucking himself down on Eliott with his back as arched as it can go.</p><p>There’s words of praise falling from Eliott, and Lucas’ breathing comes out in quiet gasps the deeper Eliott sinks inside of him. When he thinks there’s no more to take, Eliott will tilt his hips up, and it’ll steal the air off Lucas’ lungs.</p><p>“Fuck, baby, Lucas-”</p><p>Lucas fists at the bed sheets.</p><p>“Baby, spread your ass for me, let me see baby,” Eliott moans brokenly. There’s urgency in his voice, and he growls low in his throat as Lucas does just that. “Yeah, that’s it, you’re so good. So fucking god.”</p><p>Lucas grips his ass, spreading himself as far as he can go. It makes the thrusts deeper, somehow, and he gasps loudly with every roll of his hips.</p><p>“Like this?” He asks, salt in his lips when he licks the corner of his mouth. He asks, and he digs his fingers harder into his ass. “Do you think I’m pretty?”</p><p>“Yes, God – yes.”</p><p>He picks the speed up. He lets a finger press down where they’re connected, the pressure coating his stomach with white fire, and a dry sob shakes his chest. “Prettier than those girls?”</p><p>Eliott lets out a strangled shout.</p><p>“Fucking hell, yes! Is that even a question?” Lucas presses down harder, until the tip of his finger joins Eliott’s dick, and Eliott cries out. “Prettier than any person I’ve ever seen, fuck, faster- baby, harder.”</p><p>Lucas rolls his hips rougher. He looks behind his back, and for a second the world tips over the edge when his eyes meet Eliott’s.</p><p>“Come.”</p><p>Eliott comes.</p><p>His thighs tremble and his hips drive into Lucas jerkily as Lucas loses himself to the pleasure. He’s loud when he comes, louder than Lucas is used to hearing him, and maybe it’s that what makes him pull back once Eliott’s hips lay still on the bed.</p><p>He pulls himself up, Eliott slipping out of him, and he mourns the loss for a second before he’s crowding Eliott’s space. There’s a craving to have Eliott’s lips on him, a need that fills his head with white noise as he brushes their lips together, rubs his dick on Eliott’s stomach with uncoordinated jerks of his hips.</p><p>It’s Eliott with his lips murmuring against Lucas’ that reminds him of the belt.</p><p>“Off, off, please. I need to touch you.” Eliott pleads against his mouth, and Lucas unties the belt.</p><p>The first thing Eliott does with his free hands is bury his fingers in Lucas’ hair, making Lucas sigh, and the next thing he does is yank on it, rolling them over until he’s on top of Lucas.</p><p>Lucas moans loudly, head tilting up at the pull of Eliott’s hand, mouth falling open.</p><p>There’s hands running up and down his body, overwhelming touches at his sides, and down his chest, and up his shoulders. Eliott’s lips follow after, soft and gentle, kissing down the trail of his abdomen. Thumbs rub circles on his hipbones, and he closes his eyes at the feeling of Eliott’s stubble tickling his belly.</p><p>“Fucking beautiful,” Eliott moans against his skin, and Lucas moans too. “My pretty boy, how do you want it?”</p><p>Lucas parts his legs. “I don’t care.” He shakes his head. “I don’t care, just touch me.”</p><p>Eliott kneels between his legs. His hips brush against the back of Lucas’ thighs, and he’s got one hand brushing up and down teasingly close to his crotch while the other goes to grab to back of his thigh.</p><p>Every single muscle in his body aches. Still, he lets Eliott throw his leg over his shoulder, and he lets Eliott tuck it against his chest as he bends forward.</p><p>“Is this enough touching?” Eliott asks while two fingers press at his rim. Lucas hums loudly, craning his neck to one side to make room for Eliott’s mouth. “Is it enough?”</p><p>He digs his heel into the mattress. “Not enough,” he pants, even as fingers move in and out of him.</p><p>Eliott curls his fingers around his jaw. He swipes Lucas’ bottom lip with his thumb softly, rolls it between his fingers, and then he’s pressing down on his neck, holding his head still. “Is it enough now?” he whispers, softly, and Lucas’ eyes slip closed.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Yeah?” he asks again, this time with his hand wrapped around Lucas.</p><p>Lucas lets himself feel. The hand moving up and down wetly. The press on his neck. He breathes through his nose, and his body burns from the inside out. There’s not an inch of his body that isn’t touching Eliott, and he scratches at Eliott’s shoulders in pleasure.</p><p>It’s quiet gasps, hips rocking up to Eliott’s touch, chasing it, his body shooting forward on the bed when Eliott alternates it with fingering.</p><p>It’s with a whimper of his name that he comes. A whispered <em>Eliott</em> that falls from his lips, and there’s sweat at his forehead, and his face is red, and a weak whimper comes out of him when Eliott twists his wrist. And he comes.</p><p>He thinks there’s lips peppering kisses to his cheeks. To his nose, his chin, the spot under his jaw that makes him squirm. He blinks his eyes up, once the clouds in his head dissipate, finding rainy grey staring at him. He smiles lazily at him.</p><p>“Hello.” He murmurs, bringing Eliott down by the neck.</p><p>Eliott kisses him, smiling into his mouth a little.</p><p>It’s lovely. It’s so fucking lovely, everything is lovely right now, so he pulls at Eliott until he falls on him. Rolls them on their sides, keeps kissing him as he throws a leg around his waist and hugs him.</p><p>“Hi.” Eliott answers when he pulls back. He makes their noses touch, beaming, and Lucas huffs out a laugh.</p><p>Without saying anything else, he tucks himself under Eliott’s chin. Inhales contentedly, kisses the side of Eliott neck before closing his eyes.</p><p>He feels a kiss to his hair. Words hang in the air. “So we do jealousy now?”</p><p>Lucas squirms uncomfortably in Eliott’s hold. He shrugs after a moment, because what’s there to say? What’s there to say, he asks himself, and comes up blank. There’s to say, he supposes, that the thought of Eliott kissing other lips that aren’t his form a gap in his chest.</p><p>“I mean, they <em>were</em> pretty.” He settles for in the end. Because it’s not silence, but it’s not something either, and he just doesn’t know anymore. “And you know I like having your dick to myself.” He adds, half-jokingly.</p><p>(Because that’s not the reason. At all. His dad always said he was a greedy son of a bitch, and maybe he was onto something.)</p><p>He waits for a hum of agreement. A word that might hurt more than the silence, and he braces himself, but the silence drags on. He thinks maybe he fell asleep, maybe his heart was spared for yet another night, but then Eliott speaks.</p><p>“Did you know, Lucas Lallemant,” he shifts above Lucas. Instead of pulling back, he pulls him closer, and Lucas goes. “That second you enter a room, even the smoothest 10 fades into a 3 in comparison to you?”</p><p>A shot of euphoria runs inside his veins. He doesn’t know anymore, no, but this, right here, feels like something. So he holds on to it, presses his smile into Eliott’s skin, hard enough that he hopes it’ll stay there. That he’ll keep it with him for the sad days. For the sleepless nights.</p><p>“Tell me again.” He whispers with his hand on Eliott’s chest.</p><p>Eliott’s laughter rumble inside his chest, rattles Lucas’ body, but he complies.</p><p>“You’re my fucking beautiful angel, and I want you all of the time.”</p><p>Lucas presses his lips to Eliott’s collarbones, and there’s still a smile there. Maybe they can use that one without a reason, he thinks. Not for the sad days, or the angry days, or any particular day. Maybe Eliott will look down at himself one day, and he’ll see all of Lucas’ smiles etched in his skin. And then he’ll smile too.</p><p>“Good.” He says, and Eliott smiles against his forehead in return.</p><p>Maybe one day they’ll look at each other and they’ll only see themselves in every inch of skin.</p><p>Maybe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalwoodhusbands">come say hi!</a>
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